A Little Bit of Truth

My last year in Utah made all the difference for me. I had a great ward. Everyone knew me, my roommates and I were invited to go watch movies at random people's apartments and to the unofficial park activity after church. I loved it, and I always had fun.

Coming home I did not feel the same way about the singles ward here. I went to the family ward until a few weeks ago. In Utah, I had people yelling my name because they knew and loved me. Now when I walk in I have people screaming my name not because they know me and like me but because someone has probably told them to do so. It is just so forced. Also, it is kind of just like being in a party all of the time. Even during church you hear people in the hallway laughing and talking because they don't want to go to class. It is a big social gathering so why would they? Everyone is just so loud. All of the time. It is intimidating for me. I can be loudish, but I have to know you first. It isn't an all the time thing for me.

My first time going to the ward the bishop gave me a lecture. A half hour lecture in his freezing office. He asked if I was in the ward. No. Do I want to be in the ward? No. Why? Let me tell you. Are you afried of callings? Yes (I'm not really, but I was really hoping he would give up). Oh, well we have one for you. *You don't even know me.* You know, there are three things that are important in this world and the rest is FLUFF.... (tells me everything that is fluff that he can think of at the moment). Those three things are: the priesthood, something I spaced out on when he was explaining, and RELATIONSHIPS and they can apparently give me those in the singles ward. Please no. People in the family ward asked if I felt awkward going to the family ward. If it does, the singles ward makes me feel 500% more awkward.

I want relationships. I want to go on dates and have friends and feel like I belong somewhere again, but the singles ward is going about it all the wrong way. I don't need ANOTHER relationship talk, I don't need an activity every single day, and I don't need people to be all in my face.

I think the hardest thing for me is going in alone. Have you ever been somewhere that you have to convince yourself that it's okay to get out of your car? Or somewhere that induces so much anxiety that you have sweated through your shirt before you even walk in? In Utah I always had friends or roommates to walk in with and talk some of the "in your face" off of me. I think the greatest answered prayer for me right now is that Emily is back home. She even said she wasn't going to walk into that joint alone. Now, neither of us have to. Even if she is only here for a little while, I am glad I have someone to sit with, laugh with, read scriptures with, and feel comfortable with. That makes all the difference.

So, thank you to everyone who never lost faith in me when I did. I'm thankful that they encouraged me when I fought it so hard. Things can only get better from here. Maybe one day I will have a ton of friends and be invited to things and just have fun with the random adventures that happen on a whim.