First Break-up

          For those of you who do not know, my dad calls me an ice princess. He says that my heart is made of ice, and only one very special boy will be able to melt it. I think he could be right. I have been hurt before, and there is definitely a wall built up to protect me now. This is not your ordinary wall. This is a wall like Moroni built in Alma chapter 50 of the Book of Mormon. There is a ditch/moat around the city, walls built to the height of man, small forts with stone walls to encircle them, a frame of pickets around the wall that were strong and high, towers that overlooked the pickets, places of security upon those towers, stones that had been prepared at the top of the towers to be thrown at the enemy, and an entrance of only a small bridge over the moat.
          I have that wall, and I am pretty sure only Moroni himself will be strong and determined enough to make it through. Andrew tried to break through my wall, but after everything that has happened over the past few months, along with my wall and major fortifications, I have bubble wrap around my heart as well. Andrew had a way of popping the bubbles, but the wall was still there.
          I watched my best friend get married to another girl last month. I watched the guy that I spent all my free time with dance with his new bride. I did not know whether confusion or anger or hurt was winning out on my expression, but I made it through managing a smile when Andrew asked if I was okay. That was hard, but seeing how happy Eric was made me dream of the day when I will find my Moroni who will look at me so lovingly with an ear-to-ear smile on our wedding day.
          Andrew asking me out was an answer to prayers. At first, Brent was really protective of me and gave me this bullet with Andrew written on it purely as a joke. Later, Brent realized Andrew really was a good guy. We got each other through some rough times, but there came a point when I realized I had blinders on. We needed each other at first, but after that it was a matter of neither of us wanting to be alone. We both loved the feeling of being wanted, and so we let some things go. Then, one day when I was at home we were talking on the phone, and he said something that hurt me. I brushed it off not wanting to let it ruin my time with my family. The more I thought about it though, the more it bothered me, and the blinders came off.
          I had been floating in a bubble. The problem with that is one second you are floating, and then the next second you are flat on your behind drenched in a filmy residue of regret and soap when it bursts. I do not regret dating Andrew at all. I regret looking past the issues in the beginning, getting so close to him in so short of a time, and most of all, hurting him.
          I was told by a teacher and later Andrew that I was so independent that I would never get married. I know I will. I just have to find my Moroni. I read a romance novel not too long ago. I have read all of the books by this author. I love them all and can see myself in each of them. Reading this one was different. More made sense, different things made me smile, some things made me feel stupid when I saw myself in the story line, and some things were like a finger jabbing at my bruises from the time I have been hurt. I still love reading them, and I hope one day I will have a cute story to tell like the ones in my books. Romance novels are great, but real life love stories are even better. In trying to help myself feel better, I found a letter President Ronald Reagan wrote about his wife.

Dear St. Valentine, 

I'm writing to you about a beautiful young lady who has been in this household for 25 years now-- come March 4. I have a request to make of you but before doing so feel you should know more about her. For one thing she has 2 hearts--her own and mine. I'm not complaining. I gave her mine willingly, and like it right where it is. Her name is Nancy but for some time now I've called her Mommie and don't believe I could change. My request of you is--could you on this day whisper in her ear that someone loves her very much and more and more each day? Also tell her, this "Someone" would run down like a dollar clock without her so she must always stay where she is. Then tell her if she wants to know who that "Someone" is to just turn her head to the left. I'll be across the room waiting to see if you told her. If you'll do this for me, I'll be very happy knowing that she knows I love her with all my heart. 

Thank you, 

"Someone"

          One day I will have this. I am not going to let anyone tell me that I am not good enough or that I will not be happy or get married because of the way I am. I will continue being me, and I will find that one boy who will love me for it.