An Everlasting Beginning

You know when you have those really tough days for no reason? They happen to all of us. It could be because it was a Monday, because I realized getting back into BYU just isn't a reality for me, because the fact that I am a boomerang kid hit me, or because I stayed up too late the night before, but I had a really tough day last Monday. There isn't much else to it. I had one of those days where whenever my mom or dad looked at me I felt like a failure and tears would come to my eyes, where every little thing annoyed me, and all I wanted to do was sit and watch movies. Like I said, we all have those days. But, it is on those particularly rough days that you have to look around you and just smile because of everything and everyone you are blessed with. For instance, two of my really good friends texted me all day even though I know they are at school and already stressing with their crazy school schedules, homework, and social lives. And you know what? Both of them made me laugh. On that same day my mom and dad showed me how much they loved me. I know both of them wanted me to go back to BYU so badly, but both told me it was okay and that I am meant to go down another path. Those rough days mean tight hugs, emails from Becca, and going to the store to find the two seasons of Downton Abbey that I didn't have yet on sale and mom staying up later than usual to watch an episode with me. It is also on those particular days that you realize no matter how ugly of a crier you are that the spotted dog will always be there to lick away your tears, and the puppy is still too small to get away from your hugs no matter how badly she wants down to play. I am thankful for hard days, because although they really suck, they remind me how blessed I am to have such amazing and loving people in my life.

I am not really having a hard time right now, but sometimes I do miss school and the life I had there. It is an ending, and who likes those? President Uchtdorf said it best: 

There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings. Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny. The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful. How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.

So, for now I am going to work through this ending because I know there are no true endings. There are only everlasting beginnings.

The Cold, Hard Truth

Well, maybe not the cold, hard truth. Maybe it is the burned, blistered truth. Let me tell you why. So, over the weekend I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had a wonderful day shopping with Kaitlyn, but I just wanted more out of life. So much more. I wanted to rush through stages and catch up to all of my friends. Even after the rough and somewhat stressful weekend Kaitlyn, Julie Anne, and I made the courageous decision to leave the lush valley and go to Arches National Park in the desert. It was on my summer bucket list last year, but I didn't make it there. Trekking to southern Utah was an adventure in and of itself. When we got there we were first enthralled by the frogs. I don't think I have ever seen an actual wild frog before. It was exciting. We even decided which ones we wanted to be. We are four years old. Then, we decided to hike to the delicate arch. I wore a tank top and my running pants. Not even thinking we started the ascent. Let me tell you... Not far into the hike I thought I was going to die. It is steep, and there is simply no air. And, even though it was just under eighty degrees it was HOT. After we made it up that initial hill I was fine. We climbed all the fun things and made it to the delicate arch. It was beautiful, and the view was well worth it. I finally got to see the arch on the Utah license plate. I got to see a part of Utah I had never seen before, and I loved it. We hiked to and saw other arches as well such as Sandy arch, the broken arch, and a few other unnamed arches. Utah truly is beautiful. It was even more beautiful to be with my friends and not worry about anything. On the way home I realized my shoulders were a little burnt. I wasn't worried. It wasn't the first time I got burned, and it certainly won't be the last. Later that night I realized the severity of my burn. Ouch. Eating my lunch on a rock under the broken arch I felt like I left all of my worries and misery behind. A different kind of misery set in at this point. Blisters galore. It took a few days for me to be able to wear an actual shirt. Progress. Slow progress. I loved my long weekend, although going back to work and school was a little difficult. I can't wait for my next two long weekends. I will be going to the Narrows at Zion's National Park over the Fourth of July weekend, and I will be in California for the Pioneer Day weekend. I have a fun summer ahead of me! My visiting teachers came over on Tuesday. After their initial shock of my red glow they gave me a wonderful lesson. I love them. With Blythe in her red and white striped pajama pants and Brellis with her top knot, I always feel the spirit and can just laugh. We planned a day to go and get pie at a little restaurant that is supposed to be really good. I trust their taste. Last time we went out they took me to the Provo bakery which is divine. Anyways (I get easily distracted by food. Can you tell?), Brellis shared a talk about being grateful in your circumstances. I am not always the best at that obviously, but I am so glad she shared that. And yesterday... Yesterday Julie Anne and I had a crazy whim to go see Maleficent at 10:45. We didn't get home until one in the morning, and I regret nothing. I really liked that movie. It is hard to go wrong with Angelina Jolie, a tub of popcorn, and one of your friends. I love summer so much! Also, my blisters are all gone now!!

Our before picture. 

 This is us under the first arch we came to which was on our way to delicate arch.

And then we finally got to delicate arch!!!

 After we all climbed a cliff. 

I went up even further and felt like a beast.

So, along with all of my pictures from arches I will also share a few of my favorite quotes right now. And... maybe a song.

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This is my "some days are just hard" song.

Let Your Faith Show

"Day after day, on your path toward your eternal destiny, increase your faith. Proclaim your faith! Let your faith show!" 

-Elder Russell M. Nelson

Going to church should always be a spiritual experience, but let me be honest for a moment here. Three hours is a long time for me and my too small attention span to sit in one freezing room. Yesterday all of the fears of graduating and not knowing what I am going to do after that hit me. They hit hard. I sat alone in my apartment for the longest time wondering why none of my plans can ever just work out. I was reading Gone With the Wind, and Scarlett's cry for home made me want to be home. But, I don't really feel at home anywhere anymore. Texas is kind of home. My family is there, but it isn't the same. I always revert back to an old version of me. Utah once felt like home but really no longer does. In the moment of that realization I felt completely lost. Today I went to church with a heavy heart ready to draw on the program through the coming hours. For once I was glad that my plans didn't work out. The theme of sacrament meeting was faith. The first speaker used a quote from President Hinckley that I cannot find right now, but in looking for it just now it made me even happier. He said, " Carry on. Things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out." Going along with that, Elder Holland has said, "Keep trying. Be believing. Be happy. Don't get discouraged." The speaker said that Satan works to get us to exercise fear instead of faith, but when we exercise fear with faith we use courage which brings about the smile of God's approval. So, if I let my faith show things will all work out. At the end of the talk the speaker used a quote that said the question isn't if Christ was prepared but whether or not we are prepared to feel His love and receive His strength and power. 

I feel like I should be walking with my head hanging low. I should be ashamed. My Heavenly Father has once again had to remind me to use faith and just trust Him. I wish I could remember that lesson better. I once again had to be taught this lesson, but I am not ashamed. I am thankful that He loves me enough to continue to try to teach me the same lesson. I can continue on without a plan if He is there to always watch out for me, and HE IS! Elder Holland also said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven who loves you more than you can comprehend." On my path toward my eternal destiny, I am so thankful to know that there is a much better plan than mine, and that when my plans fall through there is someone always there to catch me.

This is Freakin' Awesome

Finals are here. I have already taken one. All my papers are finished, I have been trained for my internship, and only four tests stand in my way of going home. You would think this is a time to complain about those four tests, but let me put a spin on things. Plot twist! This week is awesome. Yesterday was my graduation luncheon. My favorite teacher, Dr. Erin Holmes was the speaker. I absolutely adore her. Yesterday was also Unforum. The name is dumb, but it was fantastic. The theme was "Explore Your Potential." Oddly perfect for my time here at BYU. Men's chorus karaoke, Vocal Point, and one last Whoosh for Cecil made me smile from ear to ear. How much fun! President Samuelson shared a line from a poem by Wadsworth. It goes, " The heights by great men reached and kept were not attained in sudden flight but, they while their companions slept, they were toiling upwards in the night." I thought that was applicable as we head into finals week. After my final class of the semester, it really hit me. College is coming to a close... It kind of makes me sad and scared, but I am so dang excited! I went home to take my first final and then... I went to a concert. Andy Grammer. Oh my. Love. That is all. Well, maybe not all. He sang one song that has a bad word in it. He stopped singing when it came to that word and let us fill it in. We are at BYU. We of course all yelled "freakin" in unison. He thought that was so great and amazingly funny. He said, "Now wait...you all just shouted 'freakin' in unison. That was awesome!" He loved it. I loved it. After the concert we may have gone to get ice cream and french fries. Today I had mixed feelings about going into work. I was tired from being up a little too late last night, but I also hate goodbyes. A lot. I said goodbye to the officers today. One I will see over the summer in the BYUSA office, and one I will have to still work with until I leave. I hope I stay in touch with the rest of them. I love them. This was the first year of my college career to not be in BYUSA. It was weird and hard at first, but the officers made it easier. I had so much fun with them. They made my job incredible, and I enjoyed it almost as much as I did BYUSA which I didn't think to be possible. Here's to a happy finals week everyone!

Let's be real. I could post all of Andy Grammer's songs on here. Fine By Me, Forever, Keep Your Head Up, Miss Me, Crazy Beautiful, and so many more!

I'm Kinda Over Gettin' Told to Throw My Hands Up In the Air... So There.

Do you ever feel like you are inadequate? That you just aren't good enough for anything or anyone? That you just can't do what everyone expects you to do all of the time? I feel like that sometimes. I think I am not the perfect size or shape. My hair is just never right. I am too quiet. I am so sassy and sarcastic. I like watching movies a little too much. I should go out and make new friends, but I have so much to do and just don't have time. It is in those times when you see the small, tender mercies in your life. Like when Kaitlyn looked at me and told me I looked way too cute to be going running. Or when I got the sweetest comment from Dani on a blog post. Or on I wandered to a park a friend and I used to go to all the time, and it brought back all of those wonderful memories. It is times like those when I have to just go for a run. Somehow the not-so-gentle pounding of my feet on the pavement is soothing. It creates a rhythm that I usually make go to the songs that I have blasting a little too loudly. But, when I turn the music down, it is my heaving breathing, an older couple saying hi to me as I run by, the sweat running down my face, and the chilly air cooling me down as I continue on that reminds me I am alive. Long runs are followed by long showers, of course. Then, as another tender mercy occurs, you get a text from a friend you haven't talked to in a while. I went on an hour and a half long walk with Meghan and we just talked. And laughed. Hard. We slowly separated promising we would do something this week. I got home to check my email. I had one from Becca, one of my cousins who is on a mission in Mexico. This wasn't the easiest week for her, and it made me cry knowing that when she was here we would always make a dessert, watch a movie, and eat the entire thing during the movie when we both had bad weeks. She doesn't even get desserts in Mexico, so as I sat and cried reading her email, I ate my share as well as hers of chocolate. As she implicitly bears her testimony in each email she sends, mine grows stronger as well. At the end of the day, you realize you don't really care what people think of you. You may as well have fun. As a joke I invited some guys over to play games. You know because I thought it was a joke they ended up coming over. I played games for hours. I never play games, but I did that night! When I don't care what other people think about me and I doubt my doubt that I will ever be good enough, I end up having the most fun. Funny how that works out.
The amount of fun I had at work with week was also kind of funny. Amanda and I sent poems back and forth to each other when we weren't at work at the same time. It is strangely easy for me to make up a poem on the spot. We also got a few emails to which we were given permission to respond at as sarcastically as possible. We all know I excelled at that. I cleaned out the files in my desk and found multiple notes to Cosmo from elementary school kids written in 1998. Cutest things ever! Thursday, I left home in a baseball tee, jeans, a ponytail, and moccasins. I was so happy and so comfortable. Sadly, just over an hour later I realized I had to be dressed up. It was all worth it though. Cosmo and I had some quality bonding time at the Networking Event. I think I may have found THE ONE. And then came today. Singing happy birthday in opera voices is the best. And spending time with friends is the best. And going to the temple with Meghan before work was even better. I just go to a great school with amazing people.

Faith Isn't a Step into the Dark

Can we talk about those weird conversation hearts for a minute? I found one the other day that said, "Hi Dad." Kind of weird... Now, I could say that Valentine's Day was a sad day. It is Single Awareness Day after all. Funny thing is, it was hard for sure, but I was fine. I got to spend a couple hours with Kaitlyn watching James and his roommates sing at a little restaurant. I also got to watch You've Got Mail which is just a really good movie. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks... Seriously best couple in movies. Meg Ryan with the dream of someone else. Tom Hanks saying, "Don't cry, Shopgirl." I loved it. I also have the most amazing family who sent me a package complete with chocolate, a card, and the cutest and softest giraffe. I named him Georgio. I am so thankful that they love me so much. I love them a ton! 

Yesterday I had only the best Saturday. I didn't wake up in the best mood because I had to get up early to do an interview with a social worker in Spanish Grove. "What is a weekend?" is becoming a real question in my life. Once the interview started and I was fully awake, I was in a much better mood and learned a ton. For everyone worried about me because of the profession I have decided to go into, don't. I know that I am going into a profession with one of the highest rates of burnout, I know people think it is hard because each day is completely different, and I know that social workers do not get paid very much. Sitting in this interview I got an overwhelming feeling that I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. It is what is right for me and my future family. It took a lot of prayer and worry to decide on a major. This is what I need to do. I will be taken care of. 

On the way home a song I haven't heard in a while came on. Some of the lyrics said, "It's written in the stars a million miles away, a message to the main. Seasons come and go. But I will never change, and I'm on my way." I'm on my way to a new life. Changes are coming. Changes for the good I hope. The rest of my day only got better. I got to go see The Book Thief with Janessa, Ashley, and Julie Anne. Oh my, such a good movie. I loved it. It was really sad and may make you cry (I teared up many times), but it was a wonderful and beautiful movie. It reminds you to actually see what you are looking at. I would certainly watch it again. I also watched the new Hobbit movie. I really like The Lord of the Rings, but the Hobbit movies aren't my favorite. I will say the dragon was fabulous. 

I got out of bed at 11 today. It felt so good to have clean sheets and catch up on the sleep I missed out on over the week. Today I also sang with the ward choir in church. I don't know if it sounded good or not, but I sang! Janessa and I kept laughing all during practice. It was a huge feat that we kept it together during the actual thing. We laughed through most of church, actually. I don't know what was going on, but I did learn that faith isn't a step into the dark. Faith is a step into the light. I am taking a step into the light with my job and my life in general. 

Collecting My Thoughts That Had Been Scattered Like A Dandelion Wish

     Back in November before I went to Arizona I went to see Brother Smith speak. It was beyond far away and I got so lost, but the topic was something that I needed to hear. His talk was titled "How to be Happy in an Unhappy World." He told us happiness is laughing so hard you fear for your life.
     He started off with a story about a woman who found a beautiful, smooth, rare, and precious stone in a stream. The next day she met a hungry traveler, and the woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew he stone would give him security for a lifetime. A few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman. He knew how valuable the stone was, but after thinking he came back to ask the woman for something more precious. He said, "Teach me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone."
He then gave a list of ten things happy people do:
     1. Surround yourself with other happy people.
     2. Try to be happy.
     3. Devote time to giving and spend money on other people.
     4. Have deep, in person conversations.
     5. Laugh.
     6. Know the power of music.
     7. Make exercise a priority.
     8. Take time to unplug and go outside.
     9. Get enough sleep.
     10. Are spiritual.
"Carry on and things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out. They always do. Accentuate the positive, and you will be around for a while." -Hinckley

"Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself." -Holland

"Heaven cheers you on."

"Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenges are events in life not life itself." -Scott

     My tear stained pillow shows who I am. During the day I am bright and smiley, but when I have no one to fool there is no fooling myself. This year has been a crazy one. I do not know what to do sometimes. I wonder what I am going to do with my life, whether or not love is truly out there for me, or how I could be so selfish to take spring and summer classes and not be home when my puppy needed me most. Funny thing though... My pillow wasn't the only thing that was tear stained. My cheeks were as well, and people started to notice. My silence and glazed over eyes didn't make it any better. Once again wiping away tears before I fell asleep I thought of what was going on. I didn't know. I once again had to figure out who I was like I did before. I realized I needed to be happy and take to heart what Brother Smith taught me. I knew I would love again, I would rise to be better and stronger, and I would continue to hide the sadness behind a smile until that smile was real again. 

     Well, how does one decide to be happy again? Is it actually smiling when you are around friends and starting with that? Is it picking up a good book and putting the homework aside every once in a while? Is it showing others that you are thankful for them? How does one decide whether or not they are ready to love again? Is it when they decide dating or just talking to guys isn't so bad? Or when you say you're never getting married and for the first time in a long time know it is purely a joke? Is it when a buzz of electricity goes through you when you think of a simple kiss? Or is it when you get all hyped up when reading a cheesy romance novel? I don't know when I decided on either of these, but I did. When I "never get married" Eric promised to come to my wedding. I can feel him winking at me. Heck. I should be winking at myself. One day I will find the one for me, and our love story will be my favorite!! 

     This week I have been in finals mode having already turned in two finals, one of which was a 12 page paper. Four to go. My week started with an amazing spiritual thought in my meeting and a ward holiday party. Mid week I got to go to temple square with some friends to see the lights. Concluding with a party a work, lunch with Julie Anne, and a trip to Thanksgiving Point to see reindeer and more Christmas lights with James, Kaitlyn, and Julie Anne. I am a happy girl inwardly and outwardly. I fell asleep to A Child's Prayer the other night which reminded me of when I was little and would sing it with my momma, I count down to the days I can bake with my dad, and I will be home in less than a week! I can survive four more finals if I only have to wait five more days. 

Only Miss the Sun When It Starts to Snow

In Humanities we learned a phrase I had never heard before. We learned deus ex machina. It is when in a story with a seemingly unsolvable plot an unexpected divine intervention suddenly fixes everything. My deus ex machina moment came yesterday and today.
There are always things that you miss in life. Like right now... I miss certain relationships, the fun I had in BYUSA, the ease of being a freshman in college, the feeling that I was needed and someone loved me, and most of all knowing I was coming home to a puppy who couldn't see me but still knew me. I miss a lot of things, but those things are in the past. It is nice to look back at the past, but I need to look ahead more. Cars are designed with a small rear-view mirror and a large windshield. I believe Heavenly Father created us the same way. 

Yesterday I got to go see my dear friend Eric. He is actually moving to Houston next month. Driving to his house in Draper in a blizzard took a lot longer than I expected. The roads were awful. Slipping and sliding all over the place was a different experience than one I ever had. I am so thankful I had Kennedy with me. She was working on a talk she had today. She told me a story. She said to imagine that I was getting a brand new house. I could have anything I wanted in it, and it was perfect in every way. I could make it perfect. Then, all of the sudden someone came in with a jackhammer and starting breaking and ruining everything. After I sat watching them I sat and cried until someone came up behind me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up to see him raise his other hand to not only fix my house but make it better than I had ever imagined. Kennedy told me that is what Heavenly Father does for us. We make plans that often fall through because He has something better in mind. 

A lot of people have been telling me that lately. For some reason, that story really resonated with me. There are things that I miss dearly right now. I mean, yesterday I saw a ball made out of Christmas lights and plastic cups hanging from someone's house and I started crying. For heaven's sake! Apparently I have been straining my eyes to the max to continue to look out of the rear-view mirror more than I need to. I have started looking more out of the windshield in the past few days, but I am still not used to it. I have been living in the past, but I need to live my life in the present. 

Between spending time with Julie Anne and Meghan, watching cheesy Christmas movies, trying to stay upright when walking in the snow and on the ice, work, multiple Christmas parties, homework, and finals I am insanely busy. I guess it is good because my days and weeks fly by. I will be home before I know it. Then I will get to see my family. That always makes everything better. My family and Iceberg shakes... I ate a whole one the other day. Okay, maybe I just need my family.
This happens to me all of the time. A come to a phase in my life where I just don't know how to fix it. Good thing I have a loving Heavenly Father who watches out for me and always has a better plan for me than I have for my own. When we learned about those moments in class I thought it was dumb because that doesn't just happen in real life. Well, lucky for me, it does!!!
Philippians 4:13, Mormon 5:23, John 14:1, D&C 122:7
We are in a period of stress across the world. There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you. Do not let the prophets of gloom endanger your possibilities. -President Hinckley 

The Moments That Make Life Worth Living

Last night I came to a terrible conclusion. I have continuously been saying you get what you give to someone, but I have not been giving anything that I would want back. For the past week and a half I get home and go right to my room and stay there until I have to come out to get ready for the next day, and then it happens all over again. I don't talk to people very often, I have been dressing in baggy clothes, I haven't been doing my hair much, I do minimal make-up, I don't wear jewelry, and more often than not I was in my room in the corner and probably asleep by ten. I know that is sad, but last night I decided I needed to change all of that. I went out with my roommate Makenna. We went to the basketball game. We left at half-time because we were crushing the other team. I got one of the giant cardboard cutouts of Matty C's head! I was a little excited. After the game we went to get free mini frostys and then ventured to the Riverwoods where we saw so many beautiful Christmas lights, heard Christmas music, met Alex Boye, saw ice sculptures, stood by the fire, and took so many pictures. We went home to warm up and I fell asleep to a movie. This morning I woke up early because I was so excited about the adventure I was going to have today. I went to Park City with Julie Anne and Jan. It snowed the whole way up, the whole time we were there, and the whole way back. I am so thankful that I drove because I am a calm driver. Even in the snow when you skid sometimes I did not worry while Julie Anne and Jan held their breath and silently (or not so silently) freaked out. When we finally got there lunch was up first. We went to the Red Banjo which is a little place my family and I went a couple of times on our family vacations to Park City. It made me a little nostalgic thinking of the times I spent with my family. Then we went up and down Main Street exploring all the shops and taking so many pictures. We had so much fun. After getting home through the blizzard we were happy to have gotten back safely so we went to Starbucks for caramel apple ciders and peppermint hot chocolates. Yum. I am so grateful that I have amazing friends. Also, I have decided that this winter I really want to go snowboarding just once. I know it is expensive, but I believe it is something I need to try before I leave Utah, and I really want to do it!