Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so lost and confused like I will never really belong or fit in anywhere.
Sometimes I think I will never be able to get the job I want.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from holding it all inside.
Sometimes I wonder if things will ever go the way I plan.
And sometimes I question if there even is a plan for me.
But...
Sometimes I remember I am a daughter of God.
Sometimes I get this feeling that everything is going to be okay.
Sometimes I just have to let it all out.
Sometimes I realize His plan is better than my dreams.
And sometimes I just have to look up and smile.

Just Hangin'

What have you been up to? I get that question all of the time. I feel like people expect to hear something amazing, and usually I don't have an answer other than my go to: just hangin'.  I can never think of what to say when they ask, but I have been up to a lot. I finished all of the things I have to do before starting work including getting my badge, finishing the HR paperwork, and getting my blood drawn and a shot (and they didn't even give me a princess bandaid...). The next day I went back up to the hospital to shadow a couple social workers there. You know how my life is just too exciting for me? Yeah well, I blacked out after visiting a couple patients. If it weren't for the two nurses behind me I would have fallen right to the floor. I was fine right after, but it was weird. I went to meet my mom for lunch but went to the bathroom first where there was soap all over the floor thanks to a child whose owner was MIA. So, of course, I biffed it again and landed hard on my left knee. After lunch I went home because falling twice is my limit. Friday I got to go shopping at the Chi Omega Market with Mom and Lisa. It was weird without Ashley, but I had fun anyway. We bought some really great stuff, and we got wiggle racers for Ryan and me. Two big kids riding two small cars is a sight, but I love them! Saturday I got to go see Mockingjay. This is the first time I didn't see a Hames movie on opening night, but I enjoyed it just as much opening weekend. SO GOOD. What else have I been up to? Staying up late, waking up early, playing with, training, and spoiling my puppy, watching some of my favorite shows and movies, and helping a lady in my ward with a research paper she is doing for the online program BYUI offers. I should learn to answer people better.
Also, my room looks a lot like Christmas. I got a small Christmas tree at Chi Omega since my old one disappeared at school. We also go Vivien a stocking and a Christmas collar. With all of that, a few ornaments, paper snowflakes I made, and presents that I wrapped so I could get them out of my closet, Christmas is coming even if it is only coming to my room.

Homecoming, Hammocks, and the Beasty

A little while ago I went to my high school homecoming game. At the gate the lady taking tickets didn't believe that I was an adult and not a student. She gave me a weird look when I told her I had graduated in 2011. Good grief, woman, I am a college grad! I loved getting to see my little brother march with the band. I also loved being at a football game with the stands full of blue. It almost felt like I was back at BYU. The only difference was the lack of mountains in the background of my pictures. 

 I have taken to reading outside in my little brother's hammock. I am safe from the merciless mosquitoes, and my puppy can have some outside time so she isn't cooped up all of the time. And speaking of the wee beasty. She is so funny. She went swinging for the first time a little over a week ago. Also, when we go on walks she will start running and doing a somersault. I tried to take pictures of her doing it. It just kind of looks like she is laying in the grass, but the one where she is looking at me is where she stops because I am laughing so hard. And one last thing, I can leave Vivien sleeping on my bed. The next thing I know something is missing. When I go look for it, I find it on the floor with bite marks and Vivien is under the bed. I have yet to figure out how she does it. 

Cali Lovin'

I have been going through Utah withdrawals. Already. I have not even left yet, but the thought of leaving makes me sad. So, I went to San Diego to get away and have time to not have to think about anything. Sunshine is my favorite accessory, and I am pretty sure that heaven is an endless beach with lots of chocolate. So many beach days. From Mission Beach to Ocean Beach to Pacific Beach. I love them all. I could spend all day there and just forget about eating and sleeping and everything. Also, we swam so much! After the beach we just had to go swimming to get all of the sand off. There was no other way. One day we went to Seaport Village. There are lots of little stores, statues, and and a carousel! We of course went and saw all of the above, and there was a hat store. Add that to the list of what heaven has. One day we went to Sunset Cliffs to hunt for crabs. It was fun to climb around on the cliffs even though Ami told me we were going later that night so I was wearing a dress. Another night we watched the sunset on the beach. So many colors. So peaceful and absolutely beautiful. The last day I was there we were swimming and the cutest boy was swimming too. All we said to each other the entire time was hi, but boy oh boy was he attractive. Perfect tan, perfect teeth, and blue eyes. We probably didn't say anything else to each other because he scared me to death when he dove in right after I did and came up right in front of me at the same time I did. Bummer. So, back to my love for the beach. I am a beach bum. I didn't choose the beach life. The beach life chose me. I love the soft warm sand (even when I have to walk in it carrying a sleeping almost 2 year old and thought my legs were going to fall off), the beach curl the salty air gives my hair, the blue water against the light brown shore, the sound of the waves, the seashells, the sound of kids playing, the colorful umbrellas lining the beach, and the surfers. Oh my! One more thing to add to the heaven list. So tan. So attractive. Someone please get one of them to teach me!!! I learned how to boogie board. That's one step closer to surfing, right?! It was so fun. I have been doing it wrong all these years. I think one of my favorite things at the beach was when I was going out to the deeper waters to boogie board and I would turn my back before a big wave hit me. As it crashed against my back if I opened my eyes there was a rainbow right there seemingly just for me. There was just so much beauty in one place! My drive back was a long one. There was an insane amount of traffic. But although there was a lot of traffic, I did finally get to see the Las Vegas strip! I do not think my eyes could get any bigger. I just wanted to see and experience it all. So many things to see and do! So much shopping, so many people, so many amazing buildings, and Hershey and M&M World?! Also, Treasure Island... Love. I have wanted to see it since Miss Congeniality 2. Mission accomplished. Although I miss sunny San Diego, seeing the Y on the mountain in stormy Provo was a welcome sight. Now I just have to wait a week and a half for my family to be here! Graduation is well on its way. Also, my mom and dad said I could get a puppy, and I get to redecorate my room when I get home. I am just so excited!!

A Pressed Flower Between Pages

As I read a brand new or a book weathered by time I love the smell of the pages. There is something special about the smell of a book. There is also something much more special about how the book gets thicker each time you read it. It almost seems that you leave something in the pages. Memories or dreams, maybe. You leave something in between those precious pages just as the words from the pages leave something in you. As you read you spill out your thoughts. You are reminded of things you have forgotten or have not thought about. Sometimes it is even things you have wished to forget that once again come to the surface of your mind. You think of your dreams and aspirations in life as the glorious words of a good book flash across your eyes. The book may be left with a crease in the spine, a few wrinkled pages, or is simply left thicker than it was before. You learn something. You love the characters. The words of the books bring only the most vivid images to your mind. You are once again allowed to imagine. Now that I am no longer a child it is harder and harder for me to use my imagination. Books help. They always help. In reading, the book changes you, but you also change the book. This is similar for movies, but it is not quite the same. You watch and a story is brought to life. In watching, time folds upon itself and flies by or is drawn out. In both situations, I take in as much as I can. The colors. The sounds. The life. So far this summer I have watched many movies and read a few books. Gone with the Wind, The Fault in Our Stars and The Book Thief have left their impressions, and I have left mine. Years later when I see these books I will also see myself there, a younger and slightly different self that the books have preserved like a pressed flower between the pages, and I hope I remember this strange yet familiar version of myself. 

--Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

• “Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer--it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.” 
• “People observe the colors of a day only at its beginnings and ends, but to me it's quite clear that a day merges through a multitude of shades and intonations with each passing moment. A single hour can consist of thousands of different colors. Waxy yellows, cloud-spot blues. Murky darkness. In my line of work, I make it a point to notice them.” 

--John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

• “My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” 
• “Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” 
• “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” 
• “Without pain, how could we know joy?' This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering and its stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not, in any way, affect the taste of chocolate.” 

--Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

• “Burdens are for shoulders strong enough to carry them.” 
• “After all, tomorrow is another day!” 
• “Never pass up new experiences. They enrich the mind." 

The One About Fire Girl

When I was in Girl Scouts, my nickname became "Fire Girl." It fit me. I was always the first one at the fire and the last one to leave. I would build it and help put it out. Last night I went to a bonfire with my roommates and a few guys from our ward. The name still stands. I love the way the colors bounce in the ever-changing flames. I love the crackle it makes as the wood burns. I enjoy the heat it puts off, even when it is hot outside. When I come home smelling like campfire I don't want to instantly peel off my clothes and shower. It makes me remember all of the wonderful times I have spent around a campfire: Girl Scouts with my best friend and her mom and the other girls in the troop, girls' camp meals and testimony meetings, trek after long days of walking and walking and walking, and even making s'mores with my family in our little fire-pit. Campfires make me smile and miss all of those laughs with my friends or being surrounded by my family with my shivering dog in my lap. This post is dedicated to those wonderful times and memories that I will forever cherish and of course to Fire Girl who has changed so much yet is somehow the same.  

20 Things to Know When You're 20

I found this online the other day. I feel like it is appropriate right now. You know, since I'm 20.

1. Find your passion, and stick to it. Even when you feel like it’s time to give it up. 

2. Don’t push yourself in creative arts, unless you want to become a socially anxious insomniac. 

3. You will not be any happier 5 kilos lighter, if anything you will be really really sad that you can’t eat that piece of cake.

4. Realize there is a difference between being in love, and being in love with the idea of love.

5. Don’t let one person become who you live for- especially if it’s a romantic partner. You will find out your great friendships will be worth 26 romantic relationships.

6. Studying hard is not the be all and end all. Don’t let society and school trick you into believing you must study for your career *unless you want to be a teacher, but remember all teachers are insane.

7. Don’t over analyze what others say. Actions really are worth 1000 words.

8. You are not defined by your job title, relationship status or stereotype. You are your experiences.

9. Travel.

10. Never assume, always ask questions even if you feel uncomfortable.

11. Write your feelings down, especially if you feel overwhelmed- it all makes sense on paper.

12. You can go to mom with any of your problems and she will never judge- do the same for others.

13. Be grateful for at least one thing every morning- you’ll be surprised how much this can set you up to have a beautiful day.

14. Hold on to people that bring you love & joy, and once these people no longer do, know it is okay to let go.

15. Remember that life is temporary- one day you will be gone so use this time wisely.

16. Money should be used for freedom- try to enjoy a healthy relationship with it.

17. Only at the lowest of lows, then are you worthy of the highest of highs.

18. Don’t feel like you are waiting for life to happen, your life is the journey, not the destination.

19. Your instinct is always correct- learn how to abide by it, even when you don’t particularly want to.

20. And most importantly, even when you can’t understand how or why- Life always goes on…

The Cold, Hard Truth

Well, maybe not the cold, hard truth. Maybe it is the burned, blistered truth. Let me tell you why. So, over the weekend I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had a wonderful day shopping with Kaitlyn, but I just wanted more out of life. So much more. I wanted to rush through stages and catch up to all of my friends. Even after the rough and somewhat stressful weekend Kaitlyn, Julie Anne, and I made the courageous decision to leave the lush valley and go to Arches National Park in the desert. It was on my summer bucket list last year, but I didn't make it there. Trekking to southern Utah was an adventure in and of itself. When we got there we were first enthralled by the frogs. I don't think I have ever seen an actual wild frog before. It was exciting. We even decided which ones we wanted to be. We are four years old. Then, we decided to hike to the delicate arch. I wore a tank top and my running pants. Not even thinking we started the ascent. Let me tell you... Not far into the hike I thought I was going to die. It is steep, and there is simply no air. And, even though it was just under eighty degrees it was HOT. After we made it up that initial hill I was fine. We climbed all the fun things and made it to the delicate arch. It was beautiful, and the view was well worth it. I finally got to see the arch on the Utah license plate. I got to see a part of Utah I had never seen before, and I loved it. We hiked to and saw other arches as well such as Sandy arch, the broken arch, and a few other unnamed arches. Utah truly is beautiful. It was even more beautiful to be with my friends and not worry about anything. On the way home I realized my shoulders were a little burnt. I wasn't worried. It wasn't the first time I got burned, and it certainly won't be the last. Later that night I realized the severity of my burn. Ouch. Eating my lunch on a rock under the broken arch I felt like I left all of my worries and misery behind. A different kind of misery set in at this point. Blisters galore. It took a few days for me to be able to wear an actual shirt. Progress. Slow progress. I loved my long weekend, although going back to work and school was a little difficult. I can't wait for my next two long weekends. I will be going to the Narrows at Zion's National Park over the Fourth of July weekend, and I will be in California for the Pioneer Day weekend. I have a fun summer ahead of me! My visiting teachers came over on Tuesday. After their initial shock of my red glow they gave me a wonderful lesson. I love them. With Blythe in her red and white striped pajama pants and Brellis with her top knot, I always feel the spirit and can just laugh. We planned a day to go and get pie at a little restaurant that is supposed to be really good. I trust their taste. Last time we went out they took me to the Provo bakery which is divine. Anyways (I get easily distracted by food. Can you tell?), Brellis shared a talk about being grateful in your circumstances. I am not always the best at that obviously, but I am so glad she shared that. And yesterday... Yesterday Julie Anne and I had a crazy whim to go see Maleficent at 10:45. We didn't get home until one in the morning, and I regret nothing. I really liked that movie. It is hard to go wrong with Angelina Jolie, a tub of popcorn, and one of your friends. I love summer so much! Also, my blisters are all gone now!!

Our before picture. 

 This is us under the first arch we came to which was on our way to delicate arch.

And then we finally got to delicate arch!!!

 After we all climbed a cliff. 

I went up even further and felt like a beast.

So, along with all of my pictures from arches I will also share a few of my favorite quotes right now. And... maybe a song.

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This is my "some days are just hard" song.