Welcome to the Crazy

I shakily walked up the stairs to my apartment this evening. I had to sit down three times on my way to my car after class. The pounding headache was more than my emotionally, mentally, and physically tired body could handle after a long morning at my internship and a two and a half hour class. I love my internship, but wow... Let me tell you a little bit about it. I go on home visits, to court, transfer kids, and sometimes even go on a run with the CPS workers. I work with Liz and Kobie, and my supervisor is Karen. Kobie calls me the animal/baby whisperer. Earlier this week we went to a home that had twins. The little girl has never talked to Liz who is her case worker. As I was sitting in my chair listening to the foster mom, all of the sudden she crawled into my lap and started talking to me. She was so cute! At that same house with a two year old sitting as close as she could to me, the dog jumped up on my lap, curled up, and went to sleep. The foster mom thought that was really weird since usually they have to lock her in a room because she goes crazy when Kobie and Liz come over. They also had a puppy that stayed under my chair and licked me the entire time. Yesterday, we were at another home, and all of the sudden a cat was in my lap. I am not a huge fan of cats, but I started petting him. He then proceeded to roll over so I could scratch his belly. He sat in my lap for a good half hour, and purred the entire time. Today I had to transport another set of twins from one foster home to another. After being yelled at by the current foster mom and dad saying I didn't even care about the kids (if I didn't care I wouldn't be doing any of this) and being told that the little girl was "petrified" of strangers, I put the carseats in the minivan and walked away from the house with a child on each hip. They didn't even shed a tear. The little girl even fell asleep on the way. At the new foster home I sat and played with them for a little while before leaving. They were totally fine. Later I had to drop off some of their clothes, and the little boy came running with his arms up for me to pick him up. I got this. Even though I am so dang emotionally drained, that in itself was rewarding enough to me. I love little kids! I am happy to be the animal/baby whisperer any day!!! As I mentioned, I also get to go to court. Let me tell you, that has been my favorite thing this far! Sitting in the court room with my burgundy business shirt, nice trousers, and pearls I felt like I belonged there. I love my internship, but I don't know how social workers do it. I mean, I am SO tired. I guess they are too. I have seen more coffee and meltdowns than I have ever seen over the course of just a couple of weeks. Also, I found out that both of the girls I work with are members of the church, but one has a tattoo and talks about drinking, and the other's car smelled like a smoker's car. Also, both of them have the dirtiest mouths, and they have both lost the compassion that I feel is needed to be a really good social worker. Don't get me wrong, they are hard workers, but there is something lacking. If I am going to do this job, I hope I never lose my compassion, my ability to love others. There is still a lot left for me to learn, but I am working through it. Maybe by the end of this I will know what I want to do with my life.

Stories, Like Life, Have No Logical Conclusion

So, once upon a time I fell for an Arizona boy. Apparently one football game a year ago a mutual friend introduced us. No matter how hard I rack my brain, I cannot remember this. It kind of makes me sad. Then, one day my roommate told me she had a crush on this boy. I didn't know who he was so I was really happy for her. She had me go to the ward BBQ with her because this particular boy was in charge of them. When I "met" him, I thought it was weird when he remembered the football game and meeting me so long ago. Still don't remember... When we got back from the BBQ she told me she didn't think he liked her. I asked her who she thought he liked. A little later she told me she thought he liked me. I laughed because there was no way. Her and Emilee liked him and had spent more time with/ talked more with/knew him better. I didn't know this kid at all. I swear I had never seen him before. Apparently he had been in our ward since last fall. It was now the end of spring semester and I was just now meeting him. Then, all of the sudden it was only Dani, Tyler, and me. We went to a ward activity where he kept trying to flip my kayak. Rude. Who does that? We had fun at the lake. I just love being on the water. Not long after that, he invited me and another girl to go sailing. I thought it would be fun so I said I would go. Why not? I live to be on the water. It ended up being a little stormy, so he took the both of us to dinner. He introduced me to an amazing place with amazing food, and he even paid. Then this girl moved, and he asked me on a date to the MoTab Pioneer Day concert with Lindsey Sterling and Nathan Pacheco. He drove and opened the door for me each and every time we got in and out of the car. I sadly didn't know how to handle it since a boy has never done that for me before. Honestly, on our drive to Salt Lake, I felt so comfortable. We always had something to say. There was never a quiet moment in the car. We went to the concert and both absolutely loved it. Coming home was the same way as going up. We talked, we laughed, and we enjoyed each others' company. Then he took me to dinner again. Full of a pie shake and so many chicken strips, I was a happy girl. Less than a week later, we had a stake activity. He brought his boat this time and took a bunch of people on rides. The whole time I wished I could be one of those people. At the very end, he kicked everyone off and denied other people rides. He sent someone to tell me it was my turn. A little skeptical, I slowly moved toward the boat. He just smiled and waited. I jumped up on the boat, and we were off. He taught me how to steer this little sailboat, and we sailed for a good forty-five minutes. He saved the last ride for me because that was as the sun was setting, and let me tell you, the sun setting over a lake with mountains in the background is one of the most beautiful sights. The next two weeks we texted back and forth a lot, and we spent a lot of time together. After he named his boat, I went down to keep him company while he painted it. Then somehow we both got roped into seeing fireworks with the ward. We even had fun there when an obnoxious girl sat in between us. We would sit and talk when we had FHE together or break the fast. Then, all of the sudden, he had to leave. We texted every day for a long time after. We had some of the funniest conversations that kept me up late into the night. I was going to see him over Thanksgiving, but after two months of texting every day, he just stopped. I may never know why. There is always that dull hurt nagging me, and every once in a while I know hurt flashes across my eyes/face if something that reminds me of him is brought up. Someday I will get over it and find the guy I'm meant to be with. Maybe... A stupid song has been stuck in my head for like two weeks. I goes like this. "And I tell myself to let the story end, that my heart will rest in someone else's hand, but my why not me philosophy began. And I said oh, how am I gonna get over you? I'll be alright, just not tonight, but someday. Oh, I wish you'd want me to stay. I'll be alright, just not tonight, but someday. Say it's coming soon: someday without you. All I can do is get me past the ghost of you. Wave goodbye to me. I won't say I'm sorry. I'll be alright once I find the other side of someday." This is me letting this story end. I must remember every heartache will fade away just like every storm will run, run out of rain. The end.

I Tried Carrying the Weight of the World, but I Only Have Two Hands

Work, class, devotional, class, work, homework. Yep. My day was full. Funny thing though. Somewhere along the line of the time I have been in college with my crazy schedule I made some friends.

I got a letter from a sister missionary. I love and miss her. Getting to write my two girls, Aubryann and Alyssa, makes my day each and every time. They were beautiful inside and out before they left, but now I can feel the glow of Christ radiate from each word they write. Then, while trying to decide whether or not to get ahead on my homework, my friend Christina showed up with dinner. I ate cheddar broccoli soup in a bread bowl tonight. About halfway through I thought to myself, "This is heaven." Then I looked and realized what I was eating. Broccoli. Who would have thought?!? I had a friend make me dinner. Tomorrow I get to take a break from homework and I am spending some time with Janessa when I get off work. In class yesterday, one of my teachers used one of my answers on an assignment in her powerpoint. Someone asked where it was from and she told them it was from my paper. I now have a study group for the test in that class. At work I was invited to go to a scary movie night on Friday. Saturday I get to go and celebrate Kennedy's birthday. Sunday I get to drive up in the canyon to see the beautiful fall colors. And... Last but not least, Dani asked me to be a bridesmaid. Wait. I have friends?

Devotional today was about going out and getting involved on campus. I did something right freshman year. I got involved in BYUSA and did a couple of things with Student Alumni. Sophomore year I had BYUSA all day every day. This year I have Student Alumni, SFLSA, and Y-Serve. I have friends from all of them, and I am so thankful for that. The speaker, Brother Cox, said if we don't extend our hand out to others, there will be no one to miss us when we're gone. I am thankful to know I would be missed. The most powerful memories of college come from incidents and experiences outside of classes. He also referenced President Monson's talk that he gave at BYU in 2007. I loved a quote from this talk, and I did not even know where it came from. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had in my journey through BYU. The fun, the hard laughs, the late nights, the amazing friends, the heartaches, the adventures, and even the trials. Odysseus said, "And if a god will wreck me yet again on the wine dark sea, I can bear that too, with a spirit tempered to endure. Much have I suffered, labored long and hard by now in the waves and wars. Add this to the total--bring the trial on!" This just reminded me of the poem Invictus which made me smile.

A little old lady came to speak in one of my classes yesterday. As the bell was ringing she began a story. No one got up to leave. She said to compare yourself to a carrot, an egg, or hot chocolate. When you put each one in boiling water, they all go through the same adversity, but they each have different outcomes. The carrot goes in strong but comes out softened and easily hurt. The egg goes in fragile but comes out hardened by the trial. The hot chocolate on the other hand, changes the very state of the water making something new and delicious. She asked us, "Which one are you?" I sure hope I'm the hot chocolate! First off, we all know it's the best one, but most importantly, I want to be able to come out stronger and better after trials. 

This little old lady also taught me a valuable lesson. Her husband died in his sixties after she watched him literally lose his mind to Alzheimer's throughout nine years. After he died, she decided to make the most of her life. She has a doughnut for breakfast every morning. One day she went to the doctor because she wasn't feeling well. He told her she needed to start eating better. She needed more colors on her plate. So, when she got home she poured a bowl of M&Ms and enjoyed. She said she did feel better after that. She passed out M&Ms, and I enjoyed life all throughout the day. 

So, after only a couple of days I feel like I have been through a journey. I have learned so much, and I am going to follow Boyd K. Packer's advice and never make the same mistake once. I am going to stay close to my friends. They mean the world to me. Cheers to my crazy beautiful life. Never forget my dear friends, that happiness isn't smiling but believing. 

I Survived Hurricane LaVell

This week was amazing. I mean, I survived! Monday, my eyes were the prettiest green, and there was the most amazing sunset. I don't remember when Mak and I went to Costco, and I found a giant thing of Nutella!!! Last Sunday Kaitlyn and I made a birthday dessert for Tyler. We had extra brownie batter and we  ate it! Friday, I saw the most beautiful sight on my way to work, and there was the biggest rainbow over Y mountain. And... I had my first temple trip of the semester with Makenna and Meghan. I love to see the temple. I am going to try to go once a week. 

So this one time I had the opportunity to go sit in the President's Loge for the BYU v. Texas football game. I may or may not have gotten a new outfit for the occasion. Getting ready was an adventure. I straightened my hair to perfection in preparation for the big game. I also did my make-up like a pro (after a mascara mishap). I got to the Hinckley feeling like a model. When all of the Student Alumni officers and their dates showed up, we headed to the stadium. 

We walked outside and someone said, "That clouds look ominous." I told them we should maybe walk a little faster. We didn't. Then, the wind picked up. With my hair blowing every which way and my ankles stinging with all of the twigs hitting them, we started walking a little faster. Not fast enough. I got a flash flood warning on my phone. They weren't kidding. All of the sudden we were in a torrential storm. We took off our shoes and started sprinting in our pencil skirts... By the time we got to where we picked up our tickets we were soaked to the bone. We got up to the loge and briskly walked through it since the women's bathroom was on the other side. We dried ourselves the best we could, but not long after, the lion mane started, and we had to go back in. 

We had a catered dinner by Tucano's and plenty of treats such as popcorn, caramel corn, candy, and apples with warm caramel to dip them in. Then, at half time we got our choice from four flavors of cheesecake and four sauces. Yum. So, I was soaked, I had a ton of food, and there were general authorities there! That is always a fun experience. Elder Holland is so nice and loves loves loves his caramel corn. Elder Perry is one of the sweetest old men ever. He offered me his suit jacket if I got too cold. What constitutes as too cold to ask a general authority for their suit jacket? And, President Uchtdorf is kind of hard to understand but a cool guy. President and Sister Samuelson are cute, but they don't come up and talk to you like the general authorities do. I kind of wish they did. 

And, the game was AMAZING. Texas didn't know what hit them. The cougs actually played well!!! With all of the excitement, I was so hyper. I enjoyed every minute of the game. So much cheering. So many off-tune fight songs. So many fist bumps. I talked and snapchatted a friend the entire time. That brought on a ton of laughs, and with Julie Ann by my side everything was even better. I loved the game! BYU pulled a win over the Longhorns 40-21. I have never seen a game played that well. Then, I got to drive home with Makenna so I wasn't all alone! Perfect beyond perfect night!!!

Invictus

There is something beautiful about this poem. Every time I hear it I think of a dear friend. There is just so much truth hidden in these short paragraphs. "And yet the menace of the years finds, and shall find me, unafraid.... I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." Life was never meant to be easy. It is challenging, rewarding, and exciting but never easy. The thing is, striving and achieving are part of our genetic make-up. They are how we learn to reach our divine potentials.

I heard this poem in a talk called "Running Down Your Dreams" by Brother Hank Smith. I am so thankful I had the chance to get to know him, and I owe a lot to him. In this talk he also talks about literally running down his dream of running a marathon. Then, in church today, one of the speakers also talked about running. He said when running it is hard to stay motivated if you only know you will stop at some point. He compared it to our lives. We know the end outcome we would like (residing in the celestial kingdom), but it can be hard to endure if we only see that. We need mile markers in our lives. What can I do today or this week to move me closer to this end goal? Who can I serve to grow closer to my Savior? So many people have served me in my life, and especially these past couple of weeks I realize how truly blessed I am. It is my turn. In our lesson last week at church there was a story about a nonmember who was going through a trial. He was talking to his mother on the phone when he saw the Relief Society sisters coming. He said, "Mother, it will be all right. The Mormon women are here." I am making it my goal for the month to let it be my turn to serve and help relieve others' trials. 

All of these running analogies have also reminded me of another poem. The first time I heard this I was younger, and another dear friend had come home early from his mission and been asked to give a talk. He read this poem and broke down into tears. I remember to this day the spirit I felt in that sacrament meeting when I heard this poem and connected it to my life. It goes like this:

Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure's face, 

my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race. 

A children's race, young boys, young men; how I remember well, 

excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn't hard to tell. 

They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race

or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.

Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son, 

and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one. 

The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire, 

to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy's desire. 

One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd, 

was running in the lead and thought, "My dad will be so proud."

But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,

the little boy who thought he'd win, lost his step and slipped. 

Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace, 

and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.

As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn't win it now. 

Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow. 

But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face, 

which to the boy so clearly said, "Get up and win that race!"

He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that's all, 

and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. 

So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win, 

his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again. 

He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.

"I'm hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn't try to race."

But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face

with a steady look that said again, "Get up and win that race!"

So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last. 

"If I'm to gain those yards," he though, "I've got to run real fast!"

Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...

but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again. 

Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye. 

"There's no sense in running anymore! Three strikes I'm out! Why try?

I've lost, so what's the use?" he though. I'll live with my disgrace."

But then he thought about his dad, who soon he'd have to face.

"Get up," and echo sounded low, "you haven't lost at all, 

for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall. 

Get up!" the echo urged him on, "Get up and take your place!

You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!"

So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit, 

and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now, the most he'd ever been, 

still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win. 

Three times he's fallen stumbling, three times he rose again. 

Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end. 

They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place, 

head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace. 

But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place, 

the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race. 

And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud, 

you would have thought he'd won the race, to listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said, "I didn't do so well."

"To me, you won," his father said. "You rose each time you fell."

And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face, 

the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race. 

For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all. 

And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.

And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face, 

another voice within me says, "Get up and win that race!

We are the masters of our fate. We are the captains of our souls. We were not meant to fail. I thank my Heavenly Father for my unconquerable soul. We each have our own divine potentials, and it is my turn to show mine. I am so excited for this week/month/year. I wrote my grandparents a few weeks ago asking for advice. I told them I didn't care what it was about as long as it was from them to me. My grandma AND grandpa wrote me back giving me many little tid bits of their wisdom. One thing my grandma told me was to not run faster than I had strength. So perfect. In running my race I need to remember that my legs can only go so fast.