Crashing Dishes

I just want to say that I love BYU. So much. I loved getting to hear the excitement of my friends that the First Presidency of the church was there yesterday for President Worthen's inauguration. I love seeing pictures of FOL, campus, and my Student Alumni group. I also love getting to watch the football games with my family, and seeing BYU crush Texas for the second year in a row. 41-7 was the final score, and my love for BYU just grew as the game went on.

This past weekend I also got to go to Time Out for Women with some of my family. I had so much fun, loved the lessons, the music was great, I got to see Brother Smith, and Sister Dalton was there which, as you might have guessed, made the weekend for me. I will write about it later, but there were multiple little tender messages that I felt like were just for me. So, until I write that post, here are some other things I have learned lately.

All too often we go through changes in our lives. At those moments we have feelings of fear. We are leaving what we feel comfortable with for something that is unknown to us. In those times of vulnerability we let our guards down and Satan attacks. The worst thing is that he knows how to get to each and every one of us. I will admit, my weakness is feeling that I am just not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not good enough to find a good job, be a good daughter and sister, be a good mom to my beautiful and spunky puppy, make new friends, and certainly not good enough to get into grad school. 

I've said it before, and I'm saying it once again. The Atonement is real. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know exactly what I am going through and feeling at any given moment. If I have learned anything this weekend it's that it's okay to cry. If you know me you know I always try my darnedest to not cry. In Relief Society today the teacher said Heavenly Father doesn't want us not to feel it. He wants us to experience it. Part of experiencing something is going through the hard parts whether they last for a few seconds or years. Those hard parts help you experience life and they will be for your good (D&C 121:7, 122:7). Neil A. Maxwell said, "you can't have a faith filled but stress free life." As much as we wish we could, that is not part of the Plan.

Church today wasn't so great for me. I was tired. I was grumpy. I missed having friends to sit in the meetings with. All the anxiety about having to go to the singles ward next week came all at once in the middle of sacrament meeting. Sunday school wasn't much better. The whole time I just thought about all of my friends sitting in marriage prep laughing, commenting, and having fun while learning. I sat and listened to adults argue and try to be the smartest and "most spiritual" one in the room instead of trying to learn. Then, I went to Relief Society with one of my best friend's moms. I kind of sat there not wanting to talk to anyone, but everyone kept talking to me or drawing attention to me. When the teacher got up I tried to zone out, but I couldn't. She had a plate on a stand, and that plate had the smallest chip in it. I watched that plate and thought how I felt like that plate right now. She then told a story about a china factory. All of their dishes have to be perfect. The dishes go through multiple phases and then are scrutinized to see if there are any imperfections. If they find even the smallest mistake at any stage they throw the dish in a discard pile. As she finished, she picked up that dish with the small chip and compared herself to it. Then, she slammed it into the the trashcan. At the factory in the story no dish was wasted. If it was not perfect it was ground up with all of the others and given a new chance. Because of the Atonement we each have another chance. We are imperfect now, but through the Atonement we can become perfect. We may crack under pressure, get a chip here or there, or our paint may get smudged, but we always have another chance to become better. Then, the teacher did something amazing. She took out more dishes and let the women smash them. All the hurt and frustrations came out in that moment. Broken dishes everywhere!

It was after that story that my weekend all came together. Time Out for Women, the BYU win against Texas, and that lesson were all Heavenly Fathers gentle reminders of who I am and Him showing me how much he loves me, and I am so ever grateful for Him and His tender mercies.

Going Out with a Bang... Literally

Last Friday I made a fifteen hour trip to Arizona. Yep. A one day trip for my internship. The girl I was with was insanely upset. I had fun. We had to wait for the future adoptive parents of a foster kid to drop him back off to us. We waited for forever. Good thing we had caves, an animal sanctuary, and multiple little shops to explore. Like I said, I had fun. It was a long trip though, and I had a hard time recovering. Saturday we were out late to watch a fireworks show in Cedar Hills, Sunday I was up fairly early for a RS breakfast, Monday was rough with work and then a court hearing for my internship, and by Tuesday I was so tired that I fell asleep in the middle of my favorite show. Long days and short nights are what makes summer, summer. With all of the summer activities I guess it is time to get back to the point of this blog post. So, Meghan and I have been together every Fourth of July since freshman year. The first year we watched the stadium fireworks from outside of the stadium sitting on a blanket, last year we did the same and went to the Utah Symphony fireworks show at Thanksgiving Point, and this year we decided to really go out with a bang. Literally. Let's make our last Fourth the best one yet. First, we went to Seven Peaks. Then, we got dressed in our red, white, and blue and painted our nails so we could be extra patriotic. Then, we watched Miss Congeniality and went to a BBQ. Then!!!! We went to the Stadium of Fire which is the largest fireworks show in the nation. Let me just say I have a woman crush on Carrie Underwood, Studio C still isn't that funny, and Flippenout is an amazing group. But seriously, Carrie Underwood. She sang so many songs and she is amazing live! And guys, the fireworks. I love fireworks. So, my Fourth was filled with friends, Seven Peaks, a concert, and so many fireworks! Saturday was filled with more fun, Seven Peaks not once but twice, and an outdoor movie. It has been a fun weekend to say the least. During the second trip to Seven Peaks a little girl was talking to her dad about the snow princess. He said, "Oh, Elsa?" She replied, "Daddy, the cold never bothered me anyway!" and pointed at me. He turned around and smiled and then asked her if I was Elsa. She said, "Yes, Daddy, I've been trying to tell you!!!" I have achieved Elsa status. I need no more out of life. Also, I have freckles galore and my hair is actually its blonde blonde again. Summer lovin'.

  

Always remember... At the end of the day your hair should be messy, your feet dirty, and your eyes sparkling.

Welcome to the Crazy

I shakily walked up the stairs to my apartment this evening. I had to sit down three times on my way to my car after class. The pounding headache was more than my emotionally, mentally, and physically tired body could handle after a long morning at my internship and a two and a half hour class. I love my internship, but wow... Let me tell you a little bit about it. I go on home visits, to court, transfer kids, and sometimes even go on a run with the CPS workers. I work with Liz and Kobie, and my supervisor is Karen. Kobie calls me the animal/baby whisperer. Earlier this week we went to a home that had twins. The little girl has never talked to Liz who is her case worker. As I was sitting in my chair listening to the foster mom, all of the sudden she crawled into my lap and started talking to me. She was so cute! At that same house with a two year old sitting as close as she could to me, the dog jumped up on my lap, curled up, and went to sleep. The foster mom thought that was really weird since usually they have to lock her in a room because she goes crazy when Kobie and Liz come over. They also had a puppy that stayed under my chair and licked me the entire time. Yesterday, we were at another home, and all of the sudden a cat was in my lap. I am not a huge fan of cats, but I started petting him. He then proceeded to roll over so I could scratch his belly. He sat in my lap for a good half hour, and purred the entire time. Today I had to transport another set of twins from one foster home to another. After being yelled at by the current foster mom and dad saying I didn't even care about the kids (if I didn't care I wouldn't be doing any of this) and being told that the little girl was "petrified" of strangers, I put the carseats in the minivan and walked away from the house with a child on each hip. They didn't even shed a tear. The little girl even fell asleep on the way. At the new foster home I sat and played with them for a little while before leaving. They were totally fine. Later I had to drop off some of their clothes, and the little boy came running with his arms up for me to pick him up. I got this. Even though I am so dang emotionally drained, that in itself was rewarding enough to me. I love little kids! I am happy to be the animal/baby whisperer any day!!! As I mentioned, I also get to go to court. Let me tell you, that has been my favorite thing this far! Sitting in the court room with my burgundy business shirt, nice trousers, and pearls I felt like I belonged there. I love my internship, but I don't know how social workers do it. I mean, I am SO tired. I guess they are too. I have seen more coffee and meltdowns than I have ever seen over the course of just a couple of weeks. Also, I found out that both of the girls I work with are members of the church, but one has a tattoo and talks about drinking, and the other's car smelled like a smoker's car. Also, both of them have the dirtiest mouths, and they have both lost the compassion that I feel is needed to be a really good social worker. Don't get me wrong, they are hard workers, but there is something lacking. If I am going to do this job, I hope I never lose my compassion, my ability to love others. There is still a lot left for me to learn, but I am working through it. Maybe by the end of this I will know what I want to do with my life.

#LDSconf The Blessings are Real

No Longer Afraid

By: Megan Fairchild

I have bitten my fingers until they've bled, 

and I've tossed and turned in my sleep. 

I walk with the speed of a frightened girl, 

and I have not muttered a peep. 

I've gone through work and classes, 

becoming sore and tired on the way. 

All this and my brain doesn't stop worrying, 

very much to my dismay. 

You see, I've got a knack for over-thinking, 

over-analyzing every detail. 

I just wish I could think and worry 

on a much smaller kind of scale. 

Good thing the Lord is always watching 

and waiting for me to call for His aid. 

He quickly stretches out his hand. 

Then, thankfully I am no longer afraid. 

Conference was the blessing of all blessings for me. When you watch with a prayer in your heart, it is always answered even if it is not how you would expect. You would think 8 hours (10 for the men) of talks and hymns in two days seems a little extreme, but I almost wanted more. Elder Holland taught me what it takes to be a disciple of Christ, and told us to take heart because pure Christ-like love can change the world. Elder Rasband shared D&C 84:88 which is just a beautiful scripture that is one of my favorites. Elder Anderson taught me that challenges will come, but when I put my trust in my Heavenly Father those challenges will strengthen me. President Eyring made me cry. He reminded me that through the converts in my family, I am left with a priceless heritage of hope and by holding the gospel in my hands I also hold the happiness of more people than I can imagine. I hope I can leave the example of faith and hope that he mentioned. Elder Nelson told us that faith is the antidote for fear, and it is always safe to put our faith in Christ and let it show. Elder Scott simply told me that it may seem difficult to put my faith and trust in the Lord, but I must find a way. Elder Hales taught me that I want to be one in whom the Lord is well-pleased, and I want to be called a good and faithful servant. Elder Cook gave me more motivation to do temple work. President Uchtdorf taught that we can be grateful for our circumstances no matter what they are. There are no true endings only everlasting beginnings. Elder Stevens said that the gospel is not weight but wings. God accomplishes miracles one prayer at a time, one person at a time, and prayer doesn't change God. It changes me. Elder Stevenson said that if we seek His help and follow His directions, we cannot lose. We should run the race that is set before us with patience. Elder Bednar helped me realize that the Savior really does help us bear our burdens with ease because He perfectly knows and understands each one of us and what we are going through. President Monson said that opportunities to show our love may come unexpectedly, but if we act on them the recipient may remember them for a lifetime. President Packer reminded us to build our foundation on Christ, while Elder Walker told us we are standing on the shoulders of giants (those brave saints who have come before us). Elder Crowbridge taught that the heavens are not closed and we still have revelations given to us. Elder Teh told us that faith in Jesus Christ gives us hope that everything will work out eventually, and Elder Aidukaitis said that faith requires work. President Monson closed this conference by saying that Heavenly Father will come close to us, and He will go far to help us. He loves us. No matter if you are a member or not, I invite you to read or watch at least some of the conference talks. Pick one that sounds interesting. Come with one question, or a few. I know it will be answered. I am so thankful to have a prophet and apostles on the earth today, and I am thankful for all of the words that were shared this weekend. Because I am no longer afraid.

Brain Dead

Tuesday after classes I got to talk to Eric on the phone. It felt good to smile or laugh the entire way home. I am so thankful that even though he is married we can still talk. I am so thankful to have a friend like him in my life no matter how weird other people think our relationship is. This week was a little crazy, and I loved getting that break. Monday I spent three hours in orientation for my internship at the Division of Child and Family Services. I am so excited. Wednesday I went to the temple with Meghan and got to do family names for these two little old women there. They were so cute!
Thursday! Kaitlyn invited me to a Women in Business event. Guys, I wish I could express my excitement here. I am just so tired right now, and no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to do it justice. I met Sister Dalton. I saw her in her glorious sunshine yellow blazer, and my mouth fell open and quickly formed a gigantic smile. She made eye contact with me with my mouth still gaping open. She said hello to me, and I am pretty sure I stopped breathing for a moment. Then, she shook my hand! Ah!!!! I was so happy. Kaitlyn and I got seats on the third row, but we soon got up and took a picture with Sister Dalton. I thought I was happy before... Not even close. I couldn't stop smiling. And... I got to hug her. I am pretty sure that my love for Sister Dalton will be as close as I will ever get to idol worship, and let me tell you it's pretty close. Her words were amazing. The rest of the event couldn't even compete. The event did make me think though... If I were a little smarter, I would get my Master's in business. Too bad.
I finally applied for graduation. I also scheduled a meeting with my advisor so they can approve my application. With that application in, I was invited to an event called Senior Celebration and a luncheon for the School of Family Life graduates in which my most influential teachers are invited. I also scheduled a haircut (I've never gotten one in Utah so it was a big deal). I got tickets to see Elizabeth Smart speak in a couple weeks. I missed her when she spoke a week or so ago, and I wasn't going to miss it this time. I am excited to hear her. At work at I had to run to the BYUSA office. I ran into Angela. Boy do I miss her. It was nice to get to talk to her for a minute and awkwardly give her a side hug since I had numerous black lights in my arms at the moment. I really do need to make it a priority to go in and actually talk to her. I haven't seen her since August.
You know how Friday is supposed to be date night? Well, instead of going on a date I gave a two hour class on marriage enrichment to couples. My capstone project is mostly done. I created the program from theory and research and practiced it. All I have to do now is write up a paper on it. I survived! After working on a powerpoint for hours this morning I have given up. I am exhausted. I should get out and do something fun since it is the weekend, but I am so dang tired!
Honestly, can I be done now? 39 days until I am home. 44 days until I am twenty. 151 days until graduation. 

Can Someone Find Me an Adult?

Sometimes I wish I had a grown-up to talk to. Some of my favorite moments growing up were times spent with Mrs. Lisa or Sister Bergquist. When I spent the night with Ashley I was always the first one up whether there were a bunch of girls sleeping over or only me. Waking up early meant having one-on-one talks with Mrs. Lisa. I miss those. I was with Sister Bergquist a lot too. I remember being in the car with her or sticking around her at activities rather than spending time with friends. I loved our talks. I miss those too. On the playground sometimes I didn't want to go play kickball with the boys or spend time making up games with the girls. Sometimes I would sit by the teacher and talk to her. Some of the most important things I learned were learned sitting in that plastic chair next to my teacher. Coming to school freshman year I always longed for that companionship of an adult. Last year I got close to Angela. I loved being able to sit in her office and talk to her whenever I needed. Sometimes when I was at her house I felt like her daughter as we talked and laughed. When she wasn't around, Eric was. He wasn't much older than me, but he was a lot like me because he acted older than he was. We talked a lot. We had long, meaningful conversations. Not having an adult in my life again is hard. I know I am an adult, but it just isn't the same talking to someone my age.
I miss people like Mrs. Lisa, Sister Bergquist, my teachers, Angela, and Eric. I need an adult! It is easier to just be me, the real me, around them.... People my age expect me to be crazy, dance, and play games. In all honesty, I like games, but I like Uno and Sorry. I am not much of a dancer except for the occasional slow dance. I don't really get crazy either. I can have fun around people I am really comfortable with and get a little crazy (especially when a best friend and a huge bag of skittles are involved), but other than that I usually remain my calm, cool, and collected self. I am perfectly happy watching a movie, being around people while they play a game, or just sitting and watching people. I know I am weird. I love being social and get really hyped up when I am put in situations with a lot of people with a lot of people, but I also get wiped out from it all. I wish I could be like a normal person my age, but.... I just can't. I never have been able to.

Because Hump Day Is A Real Thing

I always buy two kinds of cereal. I buy my serious cereal and my fun cereal. So, I have cheerios and all berries in my pantry right now. I usually eat my cheerios because they help me feel grown up and somehow ready to take on a new day because supposedly I have my life together. Today, with exhaustion pulling at my eyelids, muscles tight from stress, and my body filled to the brim with anxiety caused by a class with a fidgety guest speaker running over, I came home to work on seemingly endless amounts of homework. I broke out the fun cereal. There is something about the way my milk turns purple that just makes me happy, feel like a kid again, and think back to the days when I got to sit and eat bowl after bowl of cereal while my mom slept and I watched movies. Because hump day is a real thing I needed that happiness in a bowl for dinner tonight. My bowl of cereal and an extremely hot shower helped a little bit, but hump day is real. There is no stopping it. Tomorrow I face an even longer day. More meetings, more work, more phone calls, more classes. My friends, it is only the second week of school. What am I going to do?

Create the Highest, Grandest Vision Possible For Your Life Because You Become What You Believe

It is now 2014. It is so weird to think about since a few weeks ago I accidentally wrote 2011 on one of my papers without realizing it until my teacher pointed it out. Oops... It's a new year, a time to start again, a time to stop thinking about what you are going to do and start doing it, a time to live your life and be who you are, a time to forget about what happened in 2013 and move on, and a time to take risks and make the most of life. 2013 is a year that I was happy to wave goodbye to. It has been a long one that I don't think I was prepared for but grew to understand and appreciate. It just continued to show me how nothing goes the way we plan. In 2013 I had my first kiss, first boyfriend, one of my best friends got married, I was heartbroken, I got to go sailing, I had three beautiful roommates get married, my puppy died, my bunny died, I took a risk and applied for an internship in Ghana, I developed a severe case of wanderlust, I went home twice, my great-grandma passed away, I got to go see Wicked which is just beautiful, I had so many adventures, made new friends, drove through blizzards, sat in the President's Loge with apostles for the BYU/TX game in which BYU won, decorated the Alumni Christmas tree which won a campus-wide competition and was on TV, went to California for the first time, made my first and second solo rode trips, got an amazing job with the Alumni Association and work with the best people, dropped my cousin off at the MTC, moved apartments, watched a Pioneer Day parade (oh Utah...), went on a trip to Washington with some friends, turned 19, realized I like fry sauce and a million other things I never gave a chance before, was completely covered in glitter, and so much more! It was wonderful and hard. I guess those two things are a package deal. Without one we would not have the other. 

As the semester was coming to a close my some of my roommates and I went to Temple Square to see the beautiful lights. I also went to Thanksgiving Point with Kaitlyn, James, and Julie Anne to see the lights there. I thought it sounded beautiful to be able to stay in my warm car as I drove through them after freezing in Salt Lake. But, we ended up putting the top down to see them better. It was still fun and the coco afterwards made it even better. And... There were reindeer and so many fun things to see! Also before finals we had to throw Dani a bachelorette party. Now, I live in Provo with a bunch of Mormons so don't let your mind go all crazy thinking of what we did. We went to dinner and she opened gifts. Fun but not too insane. Finals were beastly. I only did poorly on one final, and it was my last one (by that point I kind of just give up). When I looked at the test that was supposed to be dates, names, a map, and places, I saw only names. One hundred and fifty names to be exact that I had to match with what they did. Yeah right, but at least I asked for all of the right finals this time! That was a nightmare last year... I got good grades this semester.Going home was something I was excited and nervous about. When I walk in the door I usually go straight for the couch that Fenway slept on. It was odd not doing that. The house felt a little empty without his snoring or the bonks you heard when he ran into something. I just miss him so much. Being at home consisted of shopping trips, appointments, outings with Ryan, eating seafood and Tex-Mex, baking, talks with my mom and dad, being tormented by my loving little brother, musicals, and outing with my best friend, and movies! I love seeing my family. Sometimes I wish I went to college closer to home so I could see them more. Then, I go home and get sat on by Ryan who is HUGE, and I remember why BYU is the place for me. Christmas was a good one even without the "Christmas Day Fenway." Momma got sick around New Year's Eve. I felt so bad, but I was happy to make breakfast in bed for her. Going back to Utah was sadder and harder than it ever has been before. Now I am back... I don't know if I am ready for this new year. I graduate this year! I graduate in seven months and ten days. I guess I can take whatever this year throws at me. Bring it on, 2014! Bring it on....

 P.S. If you didn't know sock monkeys scare me. My best friend (pictured above) and her mom think it is hilarious so each Christmas I get something to add to my collection. I got THE socks this year. They are eating me...

Only Miss the Sun When It Starts to Snow

In Humanities we learned a phrase I had never heard before. We learned deus ex machina. It is when in a story with a seemingly unsolvable plot an unexpected divine intervention suddenly fixes everything. My deus ex machina moment came yesterday and today.
There are always things that you miss in life. Like right now... I miss certain relationships, the fun I had in BYUSA, the ease of being a freshman in college, the feeling that I was needed and someone loved me, and most of all knowing I was coming home to a puppy who couldn't see me but still knew me. I miss a lot of things, but those things are in the past. It is nice to look back at the past, but I need to look ahead more. Cars are designed with a small rear-view mirror and a large windshield. I believe Heavenly Father created us the same way. 

Yesterday I got to go see my dear friend Eric. He is actually moving to Houston next month. Driving to his house in Draper in a blizzard took a lot longer than I expected. The roads were awful. Slipping and sliding all over the place was a different experience than one I ever had. I am so thankful I had Kennedy with me. She was working on a talk she had today. She told me a story. She said to imagine that I was getting a brand new house. I could have anything I wanted in it, and it was perfect in every way. I could make it perfect. Then, all of the sudden someone came in with a jackhammer and starting breaking and ruining everything. After I sat watching them I sat and cried until someone came up behind me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up to see him raise his other hand to not only fix my house but make it better than I had ever imagined. Kennedy told me that is what Heavenly Father does for us. We make plans that often fall through because He has something better in mind. 

A lot of people have been telling me that lately. For some reason, that story really resonated with me. There are things that I miss dearly right now. I mean, yesterday I saw a ball made out of Christmas lights and plastic cups hanging from someone's house and I started crying. For heaven's sake! Apparently I have been straining my eyes to the max to continue to look out of the rear-view mirror more than I need to. I have started looking more out of the windshield in the past few days, but I am still not used to it. I have been living in the past, but I need to live my life in the present. 

Between spending time with Julie Anne and Meghan, watching cheesy Christmas movies, trying to stay upright when walking in the snow and on the ice, work, multiple Christmas parties, homework, and finals I am insanely busy. I guess it is good because my days and weeks fly by. I will be home before I know it. Then I will get to see my family. That always makes everything better. My family and Iceberg shakes... I ate a whole one the other day. Okay, maybe I just need my family.
This happens to me all of the time. A come to a phase in my life where I just don't know how to fix it. Good thing I have a loving Heavenly Father who watches out for me and always has a better plan for me than I have for my own. When we learned about those moments in class I thought it was dumb because that doesn't just happen in real life. Well, lucky for me, it does!!!
Philippians 4:13, Mormon 5:23, John 14:1, D&C 122:7
We are in a period of stress across the world. There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you. Do not let the prophets of gloom endanger your possibilities. -President Hinckley