Collecting My Thoughts That Had Been Scattered Like A Dandelion Wish

     Back in November before I went to Arizona I went to see Brother Smith speak. It was beyond far away and I got so lost, but the topic was something that I needed to hear. His talk was titled "How to be Happy in an Unhappy World." He told us happiness is laughing so hard you fear for your life.
     He started off with a story about a woman who found a beautiful, smooth, rare, and precious stone in a stream. The next day she met a hungry traveler, and the woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew he stone would give him security for a lifetime. A few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman. He knew how valuable the stone was, but after thinking he came back to ask the woman for something more precious. He said, "Teach me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone."
He then gave a list of ten things happy people do:
     1. Surround yourself with other happy people.
     2. Try to be happy.
     3. Devote time to giving and spend money on other people.
     4. Have deep, in person conversations.
     5. Laugh.
     6. Know the power of music.
     7. Make exercise a priority.
     8. Take time to unplug and go outside.
     9. Get enough sleep.
     10. Are spiritual.
"Carry on and things will work out. If you keep trying and praying and working, things will work out. They always do. Accentuate the positive, and you will be around for a while." -Hinckley

"Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself." -Holland

"Heaven cheers you on."

"Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenges are events in life not life itself." -Scott

     My tear stained pillow shows who I am. During the day I am bright and smiley, but when I have no one to fool there is no fooling myself. This year has been a crazy one. I do not know what to do sometimes. I wonder what I am going to do with my life, whether or not love is truly out there for me, or how I could be so selfish to take spring and summer classes and not be home when my puppy needed me most. Funny thing though... My pillow wasn't the only thing that was tear stained. My cheeks were as well, and people started to notice. My silence and glazed over eyes didn't make it any better. Once again wiping away tears before I fell asleep I thought of what was going on. I didn't know. I once again had to figure out who I was like I did before. I realized I needed to be happy and take to heart what Brother Smith taught me. I knew I would love again, I would rise to be better and stronger, and I would continue to hide the sadness behind a smile until that smile was real again. 

     Well, how does one decide to be happy again? Is it actually smiling when you are around friends and starting with that? Is it picking up a good book and putting the homework aside every once in a while? Is it showing others that you are thankful for them? How does one decide whether or not they are ready to love again? Is it when they decide dating or just talking to guys isn't so bad? Or when you say you're never getting married and for the first time in a long time know it is purely a joke? Is it when a buzz of electricity goes through you when you think of a simple kiss? Or is it when you get all hyped up when reading a cheesy romance novel? I don't know when I decided on either of these, but I did. When I "never get married" Eric promised to come to my wedding. I can feel him winking at me. Heck. I should be winking at myself. One day I will find the one for me, and our love story will be my favorite!! 

     This week I have been in finals mode having already turned in two finals, one of which was a 12 page paper. Four to go. My week started with an amazing spiritual thought in my meeting and a ward holiday party. Mid week I got to go to temple square with some friends to see the lights. Concluding with a party a work, lunch with Julie Anne, and a trip to Thanksgiving Point to see reindeer and more Christmas lights with James, Kaitlyn, and Julie Anne. I am a happy girl inwardly and outwardly. I fell asleep to A Child's Prayer the other night which reminded me of when I was little and would sing it with my momma, I count down to the days I can bake with my dad, and I will be home in less than a week! I can survive four more finals if I only have to wait five more days. 

Only Miss the Sun When It Starts to Snow

In Humanities we learned a phrase I had never heard before. We learned deus ex machina. It is when in a story with a seemingly unsolvable plot an unexpected divine intervention suddenly fixes everything. My deus ex machina moment came yesterday and today.
There are always things that you miss in life. Like right now... I miss certain relationships, the fun I had in BYUSA, the ease of being a freshman in college, the feeling that I was needed and someone loved me, and most of all knowing I was coming home to a puppy who couldn't see me but still knew me. I miss a lot of things, but those things are in the past. It is nice to look back at the past, but I need to look ahead more. Cars are designed with a small rear-view mirror and a large windshield. I believe Heavenly Father created us the same way. 

Yesterday I got to go see my dear friend Eric. He is actually moving to Houston next month. Driving to his house in Draper in a blizzard took a lot longer than I expected. The roads were awful. Slipping and sliding all over the place was a different experience than one I ever had. I am so thankful I had Kennedy with me. She was working on a talk she had today. She told me a story. She said to imagine that I was getting a brand new house. I could have anything I wanted in it, and it was perfect in every way. I could make it perfect. Then, all of the sudden someone came in with a jackhammer and starting breaking and ruining everything. After I sat watching them I sat and cried until someone came up behind me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up to see him raise his other hand to not only fix my house but make it better than I had ever imagined. Kennedy told me that is what Heavenly Father does for us. We make plans that often fall through because He has something better in mind. 

A lot of people have been telling me that lately. For some reason, that story really resonated with me. There are things that I miss dearly right now. I mean, yesterday I saw a ball made out of Christmas lights and plastic cups hanging from someone's house and I started crying. For heaven's sake! Apparently I have been straining my eyes to the max to continue to look out of the rear-view mirror more than I need to. I have started looking more out of the windshield in the past few days, but I am still not used to it. I have been living in the past, but I need to live my life in the present. 

Between spending time with Julie Anne and Meghan, watching cheesy Christmas movies, trying to stay upright when walking in the snow and on the ice, work, multiple Christmas parties, homework, and finals I am insanely busy. I guess it is good because my days and weeks fly by. I will be home before I know it. Then I will get to see my family. That always makes everything better. My family and Iceberg shakes... I ate a whole one the other day. Okay, maybe I just need my family.
This happens to me all of the time. A come to a phase in my life where I just don't know how to fix it. Good thing I have a loving Heavenly Father who watches out for me and always has a better plan for me than I have for my own. When we learned about those moments in class I thought it was dumb because that doesn't just happen in real life. Well, lucky for me, it does!!!
Philippians 4:13, Mormon 5:23, John 14:1, D&C 122:7
We are in a period of stress across the world. There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you. Do not let the prophets of gloom endanger your possibilities. -President Hinckley 

Enlightened and Excited Me

     I always thought that staying home to be a full time mom sounded like an awful idea. I did not like the idea of going to school and wasting my time in getting an education to just be a mom. Why pay to go to school to be something that has been proven to not need any schooling at all? After picking my major at BYU and changing from political science to family life, this thought really resonated with me. I hear, "Oh, I just want to be a mom" all of the time. My major is in the top ten of chosen majors at BYU. I would be proud, but I know why. Girls who had previous plans to be something great got married and then just wanted to choose a major that could get them out as soon as possible. Yes, my major is shorter than some, and I guess it would be useful in family life. It still bothered me. They were the ones who were giving my major the bad name of a "mommy major." 
     Everything changed today. We had a feminism panel in my favorite class. I am a feminist. I know that word has a fairly negative connotation. It shouldn't. Yes, there are different typologies, but all of them are not what you think of when visualizing the stereotypical feminist. I learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with staying home with your family even though you are educated and could go and have a huge name in society. When you have an education there is nothing that can stop your children from being great. You can teach them in the home, show them the importance of getting an education, show them how to serve, and show them how to work hard. Then, when they are grown they will be able to go out and make a difference in the world, and they will attribute it to you. You will realize that because they made a difference, you made a difference. Every person your children affect can be tied to you. How rewarding would that be?
     I know there is a way to find a balance in my life with school, work, and family. I want to go out and work with Family Services working with adoptions, children who have come from broken homes, or teenagers transitioning from the foster home life to the real world. I want to make a difference, but if the difference I make comes from the differences my children make I am now okay with that. Men and women are different. We should celebrate those differences. I do not believe society should go back to the 1950s family structure. There is a reason that has changed. I do believe that whether a woman goes out to work or stays home with the children they should be treated as equals. Feminine traits should not be undervalued.There is a divinity in womanhood and a responsibility in grace and respect. Women are armed with spiritual power and with an enlightened source for good no matter which life path we choose. I guess I am more open to something mentioned in my Patriarchal Blessing now. If I teach my children in my home, I will be okay with that.
     Today was full of exciting and enlightening moments such as this one. I fell twice yesterday on the slick snow and ice. With a sore body I did everything in my power to remain upright today. The tree I decorated for Student Alumni got entered in a BYU Magazine contest on who had the best Christmas tree. As of right now we are winning! Then, I applied for a social work internship in GHANA! I probably won't get it, but it is still exciting that I did it. That is one of the craziest things I have ever even considered doing. A dream is a wish your heart makes... I have always wanted to go to Africa to work with the kids there. This may be my chance. Maybe. 

Didn't Make Sense Not to Live for Fun

Apparently two weeks have gone by since I have posted so excuse the very long post that is about to take place. Life happens. Campus has been decorated for Christmas. It is beautiful with the lights on the trees, numerous trees in each building, and the Christmas music filling the air. I love the spirit on campus. It is even better that it has been an unusually warm season so far. Also right now I have a severe case of wanderlust. I want to travel and go on adventures. I want to ride a horse and let it run as fast as it can, go snowboarding down a slope until I fall and make a giant snowball of myself as I roll down the rest of the mountain, and learn how to surf. I guess my vacation came at a good time. 

Last Wednesday, we had the Cougartail Event. The Food Drive killed me. We were not really ready for any of the events. This one went fairly smoothly. We have the record for the world's longest donut. Our cougartail was over a quarter of a mile long. After six hours of me passing out pieces of it I smelled like a maple donut, and we still had half of it to go. They got rid of most of it and gave the rest to the MTC. Ew. It is going to take me a little bit to get over my hatred of maple donuts. 

Last Thursday, my roommates and I went to go see Catching Fire. Freshman year we went to the midnight premier of Hunger Games, and we wanted to carry on the tradition two years later. We were missing a couple, but we still had a blast. I got all dressed up for it which was the first time since... for a while. Let me just say that it was the best movie I have seen all year. I absolutely loved it. We somehow got to see it earlier (how do you see a movie before it actually comes out?), so I was all hyped up and was doing dishes at two in the morning and then packed until three. I had four people tell me I reminded them of Effie. I was so happy. To be as cool as Effie with the outrageous outfits, beautiful/crazy makeup, and fabulous hair and so full of confidence and fun remarks... Life complete. I couldn't ask for more. 

One week ago from today I made the trek to Arizona. It wasn't a bad drive aside from the snow, black ice, fog, and pouring rain. The night I got there I got Mexican food. Tamales... So good. I loved getting to relax and have fun with Ami and her family. Her kids are the cutest. Monday I woke up sick, and I was sick ALL day. Like throwing up or laying in bed curled up in a ball sick. Who gets sick on vacation? This kid. I still wasn't feeling great the next day, but I was much better. Good thing because we went to California!!! I have never been, so they took me. We visited San Diego. I will admit, I got carsick. I was so nauseous by the end. When I got out of the car I was so excited to be on stable ground that I sat down and stayed there for a while. After dropping off all of the kids except Olivia at their grandma's, we headed off to the beach. We went to La Jolla. There are seals! I loved it. I almost immediately took off my shoes, rolled up my jeans, and went for the water. I live to be near the water. We watched the sun set, went in a cave, walked on a pier, and I was loving life in the cool, salty ocean air. My hair picked up the beach curl, and I wished I could have stayed there forever. We went to see boats and the Top Gun bar before heading back where Tutu had made a wonderful dinner. We headed back the next morning, but it was completely worth it! I will be heading there again someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Then all of the sudden it was Thanksgiving. How did it come so fast? After laughing at Ami gagging when cleaning out the turkey and playing with the kids it was time to eat! Awesome dinner complete with cranberry sauce? Check. Friday I had cheesecake for breakfast! I was on vacation. Don't judge me. That night we got to go to the Mesa Temple to see the lights. Even with all of the people it was beautiful, and I felt at peace with everything going on (more about that later). Today I headed back to Provo. Not a snowflake in sight. Not even a cloud! I appreciate it, but what the heck?! I wanted to go through the Las Vegas strip since I had never been there before either. I got so lost in the ghettos of Vegas. Half an hour later after a little panic from being lost and lack of cell phone signal to help me out of my rut I finally got back on track. Even with that little adventure I got back to Provo and went grocery shopping in under ten hours. Seeing the Y on the mountain is like a warm welcome home hug. Now I have just over two weeks before I get a real welcome home hug from my family! This semester is almost over. 

When I said I felt at peace at the temple I really meant it. This trip was supposed to reiterate why I don't want to get married for a while. Funny thing though. This trip did the complete opposite, and I loved it. I was going to Arizona for a reason I did not intend on initially. Now that I am back I no longer care that I went with hope still deep inside me, I had been hurt once again, or that I had convinced myself that I never wanted to get married. Too bad I fell in love with the family scene not long after stepping foot in the door. The slobbery kisses, oatmeal smears on my jeans, diapers, baby reaching just for me, dance party (meaning me and the baby bobbing our heads to good music), watching a movie with cuddly kids, a scrunched up nose, the grin of a happy girl, waking up with pieces of candy in my hair, kids jumping on my very full stomach, and the baby wanting to be held by me rather than her mom and dad made me realize how much fun having a family of my own will be for me one day. One day a boy not quite as dumb as the rest will come and sweep me off my feet, and I will let him because I will love him beyond compare. Until that day I will just have fun with other people's kids. 

 

The Moments That Make Life Worth Living

Last night I came to a terrible conclusion. I have continuously been saying you get what you give to someone, but I have not been giving anything that I would want back. For the past week and a half I get home and go right to my room and stay there until I have to come out to get ready for the next day, and then it happens all over again. I don't talk to people very often, I have been dressing in baggy clothes, I haven't been doing my hair much, I do minimal make-up, I don't wear jewelry, and more often than not I was in my room in the corner and probably asleep by ten. I know that is sad, but last night I decided I needed to change all of that. I went out with my roommate Makenna. We went to the basketball game. We left at half-time because we were crushing the other team. I got one of the giant cardboard cutouts of Matty C's head! I was a little excited. After the game we went to get free mini frostys and then ventured to the Riverwoods where we saw so many beautiful Christmas lights, heard Christmas music, met Alex Boye, saw ice sculptures, stood by the fire, and took so many pictures. We went home to warm up and I fell asleep to a movie. This morning I woke up early because I was so excited about the adventure I was going to have today. I went to Park City with Julie Anne and Jan. It snowed the whole way up, the whole time we were there, and the whole way back. I am so thankful that I drove because I am a calm driver. Even in the snow when you skid sometimes I did not worry while Julie Anne and Jan held their breath and silently (or not so silently) freaked out. When we finally got there lunch was up first. We went to the Red Banjo which is a little place my family and I went a couple of times on our family vacations to Park City. It made me a little nostalgic thinking of the times I spent with my family. Then we went up and down Main Street exploring all the shops and taking so many pictures. We had so much fun. After getting home through the blizzard we were happy to have gotten back safely so we went to Starbucks for caramel apple ciders and peppermint hot chocolates. Yum. I am so grateful that I have amazing friends. Also, I have decided that this winter I really want to go snowboarding just once. I know it is expensive, but I believe it is something I need to try before I leave Utah, and I really want to do it!