It's been a long past few weeks, but they have given me a lot to think about.
We have been having our house remodeled. As I sat and watched the workers, I sometimes felt as if I was trapped in my own house, but I also came to realize how thankful I am that I have such a beautiful home and parents who always try to make and keep their home clean and pretty and taught me to do the same. I also came to realize how true the quote "a leisurely stroll is a gift" is. Even a slow walk up and down our little street put peace in my heart as pounding was going on in the house.
I am having a difficult finding a job. I apply and apply and just don't hear back from anyone. Finally, I felt that I would sign up to take the next certification exam, and everything would work out. When I checked when the next one is... it's not until August. So, I lost a lot of hope at that moment. How could something I felt was so right be so many months away. This is yet another moment in my life where I really start to get discouraged and question what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. But, with all that being said I need to express how grateful I am for having such loving and supportive parents. They are there for me. Always. They pray and fast for me, offer to help me in any way I need, and spend time with me when I feel like I am going crazy. I also need to say how thankful I am for having the little brother that I do. Even though he is far away, he is still that crazy funny, loving, and smart little brother that I love so much. I look forward to each and every email from him. He talks me through my rough days, laughs with me at single's ward mishaps, and just talks to me like he used to but over email.
I've been going to the single's ward again. I think I may have PTSD from prior experiences in this ward, but it hasn't been bad. I am so thankful that Brother and Sister Kokenes and Butler are there. It gives me comfort seeing neighbors with sparkling eyes, and a ready joke as I open the door and having someone to sit by. It made me feel so good when I thanked Sister Butler for letting me sit by her and she said, "No, thank you. It helps me not feel so alone." I guess I'm not the only one who is comforted having someone I know and trust sit beside me even if they aren't my age. I have never had such a hard time doing the right thing, but these people make doing the right thing so much better even if it still is not easy for me.
My grandpa died a couple weeks ago. I have only ever been to one funeral (now two). I try to avoid them if at all possible. It broke my heart to see my grandma so sad. Now, more than ever before, I am thankful for the Plan of Happiness as well as eternal families. I am so thankful that when my parents die I have the knowledge that I will see them again and we can be a family FOREVER. I am thankful that if the day for me to get married ever does come it will not be "until death do us part", but we will be sealed together for eternity. I felt so much comfort knowing that. I cannot wait until the day when we can do Grandpa and Grandma's temple work and have them sealed together as well.
Lastly, after multiple Relief Society and Sunday School lessons I want to make one thing clear. To all of those who feel alone, like they do not belong, like they are not good enough, like they don't make a difference, and who wonder if it is all worth it. You are never alone. Our Savior did not go through the Atonement to ever leave you alone but especially not in your time of need. You may feel like you don't belong. I am struggling with that right now. But, I am trying to keep faith in the middle and hope that as long as I continue to do the right things, doors will open for me. Sometimes that's all you can do. Just hope for good things to come, and you will find your place. You are good enough! Heavenly Father loves you just the way you are, but He won't leave you that way. He is going to continue to give you opportunities to become better and stronger. You do make a difference. I was struggling with this as well when everyone was telling me that they "needed" me at the single's ward. WHY?!? When I go I usually sit alone and I make no difference whatsoever. Then, someone I love and respect told me that sometimes people need you in certain places just because of who YOU are, the way you dress, the way you talk, and the example you set. So, whether or not you are making an obvious change-the-world-difference, you are making a difference to someone by being where you are supposed to be. As to whether it is all worth it... I guess we will see in the end, but I would like to think that a mansion is being prepared for me with a full closet and beautiful decorations because I am trying to be the best I could be. I would hate to actually have to live out my hobo plan in heaven because I didn't even try.
I hope everyone enjoys conference weekend and finds peace and answers to their prayers.
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| Art by Yongsung Kim |
