Have you ever fallen into a sadness you fear you won't ever be able to shake? I have. Last Thursday. It was internship offer day. I had the day off, but I woke up early after not sleeping very much. I quickly grabbed my phone and went to doing whatever I do on my days off. I watched a movie, researched some things, made some wishlists for the apartment I was going to have while on my internship, and whatever else I could do to stay busy all while tightly gripping my phone. As time passed I got more and more anxious. No one called. No one texted. My phone didn't make a sound. A little while later I checked my emails and found out that I had not gotten the internship in Florida. The one whose interview I thought went really well. The one I was hoping for... I cried a little bit, but not much. There was still hope. I hadn't heard from Salt Lake yet. Although I felt like that interview did not go as well, there was still a chance. Time kept passing. I went to the store to drop off my charm bracelet to have the charm I got for my birthday put on. I took Vivien to Petsmart and let her shop around. I walked around the entire shopping center before getting back in my car and heading home. I watched another movie. I went with Dad to get Mom a Mother's Day gift. Radio silence. I got nothing. By the end of the day I was distraught. I had not gotten an internship. I had let myself down. I watched as all of my plans seemed to fall in slow motion to the floor and shatter as if they were made of the most delicate glass. The worst part was I was going to have to tell all of the people waiting to hear where I was going and all of the people who helped me with applications and supported me through it all that I had not gotten one. I went numb. I didn't want food or people or really anything. That night I broke. You know how when your foot falls asleep it goes numb but when you move it all of the sudden there are a million little needles poking in your foot? That's what happened. The numbness wore off, and all I could do was the I-can't-breathe-but-I-can't-stop-the-tears cry. The cry that cannot be consoled. Mom laid with me and Vivien kissed me the whole time (which only added to the not being able to breathe problem). I did not know how I was going to make it through this...
I had been praying all day, for weeks, for months that I would get an internship. Why couldn't any of my plans just work out:? Why couldn't anything just come easy? Why hadn't my prayers been answered?? I didn't know. I didn't understand. I texted my coworkers saying I didn't get an internship, but I did not want to talk about it. I spent my time at work organizing closets and avoiding people. I was in a daze, but I kept praying that something somehow would work out. On my way home from work I listened to my favorite Hank Smith CD. I don't remember what it was, but something in it made me realize that this wasn't the end of the world. I had to keep moving forward and just keep trying as I continued to believe that the Lord hears our prayers and blesses us. A little spark of hope was once again kindled within me. So, I started thinking about new jobs, reapplying for spring semesters, and changing my classes so I would graduate at a different time. I was moving forward. I prayed that everything would work out. I somehow knew it would. When I got home from work I put my phone down and left it for the first time in two days. It was liberating! I changed and spent time with Vivien. It was Friday. I was going to give myself the weekend to be sad, and then I was going to go on with my life because no one has failed until they quit trying (Gordon B. Hinckley). When it was about time for my mom to call I went to check my phone since no one had heard from her. There was a missed call from an unknown number as well as a voicemail. The message was from Salt Lake. I called back, but I had to leave a message. I knew what it meant and although I tried not to show it, I was so excited. I talked to my mom, and in the middle of our conversation I pretty much hung up on her because that same number was calling.
I got the internship. I get to go to Primary Children's in August and be a child life intern. I get to complete my last requirement before taking my certification exam. I got to tell everyone with a smile on my face that I got an internship. I get to graduate on time. I get to celebrate. Moral of the story: just keep trying, just keep moving forward, just keep praying, just keep trusting in Heavenly Father who LOVES you and me and everyone.
