A Little Bit of Truth

My last year in Utah made all the difference for me. I had a great ward. Everyone knew me, my roommates and I were invited to go watch movies at random people's apartments and to the unofficial park activity after church. I loved it, and I always had fun.

Coming home I did not feel the same way about the singles ward here. I went to the family ward until a few weeks ago. In Utah, I had people yelling my name because they knew and loved me. Now when I walk in I have people screaming my name not because they know me and like me but because someone has probably told them to do so. It is just so forced. Also, it is kind of just like being in a party all of the time. Even during church you hear people in the hallway laughing and talking because they don't want to go to class. It is a big social gathering so why would they? Everyone is just so loud. All of the time. It is intimidating for me. I can be loudish, but I have to know you first. It isn't an all the time thing for me.

My first time going to the ward the bishop gave me a lecture. A half hour lecture in his freezing office. He asked if I was in the ward. No. Do I want to be in the ward? No. Why? Let me tell you. Are you afried of callings? Yes (I'm not really, but I was really hoping he would give up). Oh, well we have one for you. *You don't even know me.* You know, there are three things that are important in this world and the rest is FLUFF.... (tells me everything that is fluff that he can think of at the moment). Those three things are: the priesthood, something I spaced out on when he was explaining, and RELATIONSHIPS and they can apparently give me those in the singles ward. Please no. People in the family ward asked if I felt awkward going to the family ward. If it does, the singles ward makes me feel 500% more awkward.

I want relationships. I want to go on dates and have friends and feel like I belong somewhere again, but the singles ward is going about it all the wrong way. I don't need ANOTHER relationship talk, I don't need an activity every single day, and I don't need people to be all in my face.

I think the hardest thing for me is going in alone. Have you ever been somewhere that you have to convince yourself that it's okay to get out of your car? Or somewhere that induces so much anxiety that you have sweated through your shirt before you even walk in? In Utah I always had friends or roommates to walk in with and talk some of the "in your face" off of me. I think the greatest answered prayer for me right now is that Emily is back home. She even said she wasn't going to walk into that joint alone. Now, neither of us have to. Even if she is only here for a little while, I am glad I have someone to sit with, laugh with, read scriptures with, and feel comfortable with. That makes all the difference.

So, thank you to everyone who never lost faith in me when I did. I'm thankful that they encouraged me when I fought it so hard. Things can only get better from here. Maybe one day I will have a ton of friends and be invited to things and just have fun with the random adventures that happen on a whim.

Child Life

A lot of people have been asking what my seasonal job really was. Here are some pictures that sum it up:

 See all those toys? I stacked each and every one. So yeah, that was fun. Now I have a job there as a child life assistant. I love it so far! 

  I love how it is completely acceptable to bring a sack lunch and how I get to see the sunrise and sunset each day. 

 Also, I love that I get to play with kids. Haters gonna hate when they give me the "you get paid for that?" or the "that isn't a real job" looks, but I just shake it off because I see no better way of spending my time than helping kids of all ages cope when they are in the hospital. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel so lost and confused like I will never really belong or fit in anywhere.
Sometimes I think I will never be able to get the job I want.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from holding it all inside.
Sometimes I wonder if things will ever go the way I plan.
And sometimes I question if there even is a plan for me.
But...
Sometimes I remember I am a daughter of God.
Sometimes I get this feeling that everything is going to be okay.
Sometimes I just have to let it all out.
Sometimes I realize His plan is better than my dreams.
And sometimes I just have to look up and smile.

As Promised

Top 2014 Highlights:

1. Movie nights with Julie Anne.
2. Tubing at Soldier Hollow. 
3. Hot Springs. 
4. Going to the last home basketball game with Meghan. 
5. Traditions Ball. 
6. Trying Thai food.
7. Andy Grammar concert. 
8. BYU Easter Conference.
9. Internship at DCFS.
10. Meeting/Hugging Sister Dalton.
11. Going to the temple more than 10 weeks in a row with Meghan. 
12. So You Think You Can Dance and numerous other adventures with Jan. 
13. 5K with my mom while wearing a "I Pooped Today" shirt. 
14. Kaitlyn got married!
15. I turned 20 and got pictures in the bluebonnets. 
16. Hiking the Utah arches. 
17. Seeing Cinderella at the outdoor theater with Dani. 
18. Hiking the Narrows and camping with Julie Anne. 
19. Carrie Underwood concert and fireworks for the 4th of July.
20. So many Seven Peaks days with Meghan. 
21. California. Need I say more? 
22. Getting to be there when President and Sister Samuelson got released.
23. Bike ride during a thunderstorm with Jan.
24. Kayaking and paddleboarding in a duck pond with Jan and the stake. 
25. Graduation. 2014!!!
26. Vivien Leigh. 
27. Texas State Fair.
28. Time Out for Women. 
29. My high school homecoming game.
30. My job at Children's Medical Center. 

Highlight of 2015: Someone said I could be in the show "Downton Abbey." My year has already been made!

Let's Play Catch Up

I am sorry for the lack of posts. You see, I just haven't known what to write. Every time I started a post it just didn't seem right. Now I think I know what all to say.

Christmas Eve went well at work. We went around with Santa and passed out blankets, coloring books, pillows, and all kinds of Christmas-y things to the kids making each one of them smile (especially the girl who got a giant stuffed Elsa (good call on my part)). I heard Christmas did not go as smoothly as we would have liked, but that wasn't our fault. I will say I am now thankful for things I have never been thankful for before. Things such as my monkey arms, flatbeds, and doorstops now have a special place in my heart while I am pretty sure other things such as hotwheels, cootie games, and walk with me dolls have a special place in hell. I am finished organizing everything. Everything has a place. Now I get to do things like making sure units have toys for kids, going through the playroom, and shadowing the Child Life Specialists. Yay!

Over the Christmas holiday a neighbor, friend, and church member passed away after having her fourth baby. This was so hard for me because over Christmas I was working so hard to make kids happy in the hospital. Seeing how important Christmas was to them made the sadness creep through me for the kids she left behind. How would their Christmas be? No Christmas should be full of sadness and mourning. When another soul goes to heaven there's so much to think about like what will happen to the spouse and the children they left behind. A lot of people say it was their time or Heavenly Father needed them in heaven. I have a hard time with that. Heavenly Father hates to see us hurt. I can't imagine Him planning things that way. There is no way of knowing for sure, but I think it is part of being on earth.  I'm extremely thankful to have my family for eternity because that is what the plan's all about.

So with a somewhat heavy heart a new appreciation for our Heavenly Father's plan Christmas came. I got two days off work, I got to spend time with my family, I got to eat as much as I wanted without feeling guilty, I got to finally wear my college class ring, I got to see my family open their presents, and I got to watch movie after movie. This is what dreams are made of. Also, Mom and I almost finished reading all of the Christmas books. Almost. Looking back now on our Christmas I realize that our tree is never perfect. Our ornaments don't match. We are all busy shopping and making sure all the presents are wrapped. We sometimes get busy in things that don't matter and worry about the minute things, but when you take a step back from all of the chaos there is true beauty and magic in the season.

One night we had the missionaries over for dinner for the first time in forever. I made that heavenly Cafe Rio pulled pork. The next day I made twice baked potatoes because Ryan had been asking for them. It makes me smile when I make things my family enjoys.

I gave a talk. It used to be that I could only say yes to giving a talk when one person asked me. Now, part of being an adult is saying yes to everyone. I might need to rethink my goal of becoming Sister Dalton. Speaking at BYU in front of peers is one thing. Speaking in front of a ward full of people much older and wiser than you makes me so nervous. Really I was fine until I choked on the sacrament bread. Then the panic set in. But, I still made people laugh and wore my sunshine yellow jacket, so it wasn't a complete failure after all.

Mom and I went to the Dallas Arboretum for the 12 days of Christmas display. It was beautiful, and I loved every minute of it. I loved the lights and seeing how they interpreted each day. Also, the night was pretty cold, and it reminded me of Thanksgiving Point there. It was just a fun night.

Now it is a new year. I tried to think of goals that I could actually accomplish this year. I think I found a few. 1. Exist to be happy not to impress. 2. Stop analying the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how I feel, stop deciding exactly what I want, and just see what happens. 3. Know that I am kind, smart, strong, beautiful, important, fearless, and amazing. 4. Go on more adventures. 5. Be around good energy. 6.Connect with people. 7. Learn new things. 8. Grow. I think those are good goals. Bring it on, 2015.

This weekend I will work on my 2014 highlights. Get ready everyone!

Just Some Christmastime Pics