Lessons Learned in the Mountains

My boss hiked Y mountain the other day. That is a mountain that holds so many fond memories for me. It is where my cousin and I hiked the first week we got to Utah. It is where I would go to think on rough days. It is how I would gauge how low the clouds were. It is where I found peace. It was a beacon for me that let me know I was in the right place. It was where homecoming and parent weekend festivities took place. It is the place that when you get to the top you just marvel at how beautiful everything is, especially at night when the temple is shining from below. It is where you shine your light for those down at the base of the mountain to look up at and smile.

I choose to remember all of those wonderful things about it, but I can also say it is a strenuous hike. When Becca and I hiked it for the first time I thought I was going to die. There is no air and I felt like it was pretty much going straight up and somehow zigzagging at the same time. It is where I always feel like I need more water but the thought of having more weight to carry up the mountain makes me cringe. It is where the rocks slide from underneath you as you walk. It is where you sometimes feel bad about yourself because so many people are passing you. And, when it was time to go back down you were fighting to keep your footing as the rocks slide from beneath your feet, you had nothing to hold on to, and you were often going back down in the dark. 

I tell you this because the hike is really only 1.11 miles. That is nothing. At home, I can pretty much do that in my sleep. But, when my boss hiked it, his Fitbit told him it was 98 flights of stairs. 98, people! So basically, it does go straight up and zigzag at the same time. 

My life is still so uncertain right now and I absolutely hate it. I am figuratively hiking up that insanely steep mountain on a trail that is really only 1.11 miles but feels like 98 flights of stairs. I hope one day I can look back at this part of my life and think how short these past few months have been like I always felt once I got to the top of Y mountain. "It wasn't so bad. I was just being dramatic. I could do that again. And look how beautiful that view is!" As I climbed that mountain each time I felt so exhausted and worn down. I was thirsty and I wondered why I ever thought hiking to the Y was a good idea. But, once I got to the top I was exhilarated and easily found the energy to make the equally treacherous hike back down those slick rocks and that steep trail. I really really hope this is like that... 

Too Old for Snapchat, Too Young for Life Alert

Another birthday came and went. I feel like 23 will be the year that I will listen to oldies music more than the "now" music. It will hopefully be the year that I will be able to find a job that I really enjoy and can thrive in. It might even be the year where I realize my potential and feel my individual worth shining through. Maybe. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. 

This wasn't one of those BIG birthdays like 16 or 21 or 25 (a quarter of a century old = Yikes!!), so I just had two neighbors and my grandparents over to have pineapple upside down cake and key lime pie. :) Nothing big, nothing fancy, but it was nice to just be able to sit and relax and talk. After everyone left I opened presents. I got my wishlist canisters and a matching casserole dish from my parents, and I got a surprise gift from my little brother. He got me a Beauty and the Beast poster! I was SO EXCITED! Now I have the new Cinderella poster and the new Beauty and the Beast poster. I might have to keep this going with any other amazing princess movies Disney decides to remake. 

Turning 23 has also had its hard parts, I'm not going to lie. It brought on those feelings of failure and worthlessness even stronger than before. I am 23 years old. I should be able to find a job. I have a Master's degree for heaven's sake. Someone please hire me... But they haven't yet, so I am helpless with an upcoming payment on my student loan looming in the future, and now... a traffic ticket. I got my first speeding ticket. Talk about traumatic. 23 has not been kind to me thus far. 

So, with my old soul (as many of my old roommates called me), I sometimes still feel like a child. I feel much too old for Snapchat, but at least I know that I am also much to young for life alert. I am stuck somewhere in the middle of those two things. I am stuck in the middle of a lot of things right now. Sanity and insanity. Family ward and singles ward. Internship and job. 

So, as I wait ever so impatiently, I will keep applying for jobs, keep trying to find my place, keep working on staying busy, keep trying to keep the faith, and keep trying to do the right thing. It will all work out, so I'm told. It just has to... 

These Two

We celebrated my grandparents' sixtieth wedding anniversary this past weekend. It was such a special day, and I am so thankful I was able to celebrate it with them. These two have meant so much to me over the years. I have loved hearing their stories and seeing the hand of God in their lives ever since they were children. I enjoy each and every minute I get to spend with them. I have cherished each long hug or each letter if I was away from them. I treasure the advice they have given me and will continue to give me as I get older. I long for the day when my grandma can approve (or not) of the man I want to marry because she seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to that. I will always and forever hold fast to the memories I have with them.  As I was thinking about a 60th wedding anniversary I just thought about how long that sounded. I cannot even imagine being with someone for that long, but I have not found the person that I want to spend my life with yet. And, as my mom reminded me, 60 years doesn't seem so long when you think of being married to them for eternity not just "until death do [you] part." I love these two so much, and I cannot wait until I find that one person for me that I want to spend eternity with. I can only hope to find someone I love as much as these two love one another. Thank goodness Grandpa was so persistent and kept giving Grandma that engagement ring back each time she gave it back to him because I cannot imagine life without them both! 

P.S. I did the flower arrangement, boutonniere, and corsage for this event, and I am ever so thankful that the flowers I ordered were good and that they all turned out okay!

Trials and Thankfulness

It's been a long past few weeks, but they have given me a lot to think about. 

We have been having our house remodeled. As I sat and watched the workers, I sometimes felt as if I was trapped in my own house, but I also came to realize how thankful I am that I have such a beautiful home and parents who always try to make and keep their home clean and pretty and taught me to do the same. I also came to realize how true the quote "a leisurely stroll is a gift" is. Even a slow walk up and down our little street put peace in my heart as pounding was going on in the house. 

I am having a difficult finding a job. I apply and apply and just don't hear back from anyone. Finally, I felt that I would sign up to take the next certification exam, and everything would work out. When I checked when the next one is... it's not until August. So, I lost a lot of hope at that moment. How could something I felt was so right be so many months away. This is yet another moment in my life where I really start to get discouraged and question what Heavenly Father's plan is for me. But, with all that being said I need to express how grateful I am for having such loving and supportive parents. They are there for me. Always. They pray and fast for me, offer to help me in any way I need, and spend time with me when I feel like I am going crazy. I also need to say how thankful I am for having the little brother that I do. Even though he is far away, he is still that crazy funny, loving, and smart little brother that I love so much. I look forward to each and every email from him. He talks me through my rough days, laughs with me at single's ward mishaps, and just talks to me like he used to but over email. 

I've been going to the single's ward again. I think I may have PTSD from prior experiences in this ward, but it hasn't been bad. I am so thankful that Brother and Sister Kokenes and Butler are there. It gives me comfort seeing neighbors with sparkling eyes, and a ready joke as I open the door and having someone to sit by. It made me feel so good when I thanked Sister Butler for letting me sit by her and she said, "No, thank you. It helps me not feel so alone." I guess I'm not the only one who is comforted having someone I know and trust sit beside me even if they aren't my age. I have never had such a hard time doing the right thing, but these people make doing the right thing so much better even if it still is not easy for me.

My grandpa died a couple weeks ago. I have only ever been to one funeral (now two). I try to avoid them if at all possible. It broke my heart to see my grandma so sad. Now, more than ever before, I am thankful for the Plan of Happiness as well as eternal families. I am so thankful that when my parents die I have the knowledge that I will see them again and we can be a family FOREVER. I am thankful that if the day for me to get married ever does come it will not be "until death do us part", but we will be sealed together for eternity. I felt so much comfort knowing that. I cannot wait until the day when we can do Grandpa and Grandma's temple work and have them sealed together as well. 

Lastly, after multiple Relief Society and Sunday School lessons I want to make one thing clear. To all of those who feel alone, like they do not belong, like they are not good enough, like they don't make a difference, and who wonder if it is all worth it. You are never alone. Our Savior did not go through the Atonement to ever leave you alone but especially not in your time of need. You may feel like you don't belong. I am struggling with that right now. But, I am trying to keep faith in the middle and hope that as long as I continue to do the right things, doors will open for me. Sometimes that's all you can do. Just hope for good things to come, and you will find your place. You are good enough! Heavenly Father loves you just the way you are, but He won't leave you that way. He is going to continue to give you opportunities to become better and stronger. You do make a difference. I was struggling with this as well when everyone was telling me that they "needed" me at the single's ward. WHY?!? When I go I usually sit alone and I make no difference whatsoever. Then, someone I love and respect told me that sometimes people need you in certain places just because of who YOU are, the way you dress, the way you talk, and the example you set. So, whether or not you are making an obvious change-the-world-difference, you are making a difference to someone by being where you are supposed to be. As to whether it is all worth it... I guess we will see in the end, but I would like to think that a mansion is being prepared for me with a full closet and beautiful decorations because I am trying to be the best I could be. I would hate to actually have to live out my hobo plan in heaven because I didn't even try.

I hope everyone enjoys conference weekend and finds peace and answers to their prayers.

Art by Yongsung Kim

Dreaming of Nachos and All Things Crunchy

So this one time I got my wisdom teeth out. Honestly, I have been dreading doing it for years, but it got to the point where I could feel them pushing up against my other teeth and my mouth hurt all of the time. I knew it had to happen. When it was scheduled I had recurring nightmares about it for weeks. With my anxiety and the complete lack of sleep, I was a wreck before the surgery. When you tell people you're getting your wisdom teeth out they grimace and go on to tell you their own version of the same horror story. I cannot tell you how many I heard. Waking up in the middle of the surgery, the pain, the sickness, the weirdness when you're waking up from the anesthesia, the bruises, and even choking on the gauze and actually dying. I heard it all. I had never had an IV or been under anesthesia, so naturally with my anxious little self I assumed the worst. And we all know how much I hate going to the doctor or dentist (which now also includes the oral surgeon). I was a mess when I found out my mom wouldn't even be able to be back with me when I was waking up (something I was taking comfort in because I always got to tell kids their mom would be there when they were waking up from surgery during my internship). I was even more of a mess as they placed the IV and tied my hands to the chair (why do they do that?!). Luckily, it didn't take long for the oral surgeon to come in. He had the nerve to ask me how I was doing! I had tears silently streaming down my face, I had tubes and wires attached to me, and I was tied down to a chair! How did he think I was doing?! I am really ever so thankful the anesthesia literally only takes a second to kick in. When I woke up my mouth hurt but not terribly. I just wanted ice and water to drink. I did not lay back in the chair they put me in. I sat up and looked around using my hands as ice packs. I felt like I was there for forever, and I just wanted my mom. When I went home and got some food, water, and ice packs I was fine. My mouth still didn't hurt all that badly, my cheeks swelled a little but not a ton, and I didn't get sick. I wanted to go out and do things! Little did I know the first day isn't the worst. One of my cheeks swelled a ton (to me). It was not nearly as bad as a lot of people so I still count myself lucky, but it was pretty large. Four days after the surgery the bruises showed up. Big, yellow, nasty bruises. Now that I have stopped taking the pain medication (it made me feel like I was underwater all of the time) my jaw hurts to open it. I guess I should have expected that when the oral surgeon told me I had one of the smallest mouths he's worked on. So, overall, the experience was not as bad as I anticipated, and I may have overreacted at certain points before the surgery. Sorry, mom and dad for having to deal with me. But, with that being said I am ever so glad I never have to do it again. I cannot wait for the day when my mouth feels good enough again to open up wide and gobble up nachos. Until then....

 

Whirlwind Weeks

The past few weeks all feel like a blur. Somehow, I made it through my fifteen week internship. I made it through all of the negativity and walked out of the hospital feeling free. Totally and completely free. Like when you don't wear a bra or like a bird soaring in the wind or like a used and abused child life intern that has completed her internship and feels accomplished even with all of the struggles she had been through. Oh wait. It was definitely that last one. 

It was even better that I was able to go home and see my mom and dad that very night. That is when the fun began. I was able to go shopping, take my mom tubing for her first time, take both parents to see the lights on Temple Square, and explore the new light show at Thanksgiving Point. And, the best part of it all was that I was still counting down the days until graduation, going home, and Christmas where I will be able to Skype my little missionary brother. 

Tubing is always an adventure, and mom was willing to take this one on and go head first. We laughed as we played in the snow and as it flurried around us as we flew down the hills on our tubes. So cold. So fun. Another night we went to see the lights at Thanksgiving Point. They were amazing. They had different themes in different areas, and in some there were even smells to go along with the themes. And, I loved that in the center there was a nativity scene and my favorite sculptures of Christ surrounded by lanterns. It truly reminds you why we celebrate Christmas and brings you back to what really matters. I also got to take my parents to see Temple Square. They have seen it numerous times before but never when the Christmas lights were up. And oh how we love Christmas lights! I loved watching them as the lights reflected in their wide eyes as they tried to take it all in. Once again, it reminded me the true meaning of the season. 

At the end of the week we headed to Arizona where I was able to see the first family of kids I ever babysat. All of them are all so grown up!! It is amazing. The youngest, whose first words were Spongebob and Megan, who was still so tiny when we moved is all grown up now. Also, he is so funny! I loved getting to see all of them and how much they have grown and changed and who they are becoming. We also got to see my cousin Ami and her cute family. I love getting to see friends and family that we do not get to very often. It makes trips more fun and worth it. We even got to see the Mesa Temple lights on our trip. Two sets of temple lights, each very different, and each being beautiful in their own way.

Suddenly, it was graduation day. The actual ceremonies were so fast. It was such a whirlwind I don't even remember them all that well. I do remember walking out of the second day's ceremony to be silly stringed by my ever so loving parents though... I finished my internship, and I am all graduated and stuff. Does it feel real? Not at all. I know it will hit me at some point though! 

We made the trip from Arizona all in one day. When I woke up the next morning I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had. I think I had been fighting it for a couple weeks, but after that tedious drive my body couldn't handle it anymore. I'm still recovering but feel much better than before. I was even able to decorate our house so it feels a little more like Christmas now! 

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas. Fill your time with those you love. Remember why we celebrate Christmas and try to keep the true meaning in your hearts even with all of the commotion of shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, and everything else that keeps you busy. :) 

Thankful for Us

This week during my internship I got called "just an intern" by one of my supervisors. As if that isn't bad enough, that same supervisor then had to fill out my final evaluation for my school class. She rated me low on respectfulness, being professional, and being able to make relationships with my coworkers. I have never been rated low on any of those things. I always try so hard to be respectful even when we don't see eye to eye, I always work on being professional, and I am the one who writes thank you notes for everyone that does any little thing to help me along my way. She wouldn't hand me the evaluation. She put it in my mailbox and made me go get it. It hurt. It still does. I now dread going to my internship on Monday even more than usual. I am not just an intern. I am a future Child Life Specialist. I am the future of child life.  So you can try to break me, you can try to lower my grade in my Master's program, and you can just be flat out mean to me, but I am going to try to be the bigger and better person and move on.  

I woke up early on Thanksgiving Day still with that hurt in my heart. All day as I cooked, talked to Becca, watched movies, talked to my family, and feasted the pain ebbed away. I had to put things into perspective. I only have a week left. I get to go home to a loving and family. I have sweet friends who are always there for me. I have my baby girl who I love so much. I am thankful for each and every one of them. I am so excited to see my mom and dad in just 10 days. I am thankful for us.