I have been complaining a lot. I have had such a hard time in my internship, but that is not what this blog post is about. Well, it kind of is. You'll just have to keep reading to see what I mean.
Last Saturday and Sunday I felt like I had hit another wall. I felt like I had not only hit it but I had hit is so hard that I was just a splat on that wall like a bug on a windshield. That started to change on Sunday. I was going to go home after Sacrament meeting to try to take a nap and maybe rejuvenate a little bit before having to start another week at the hospital. Then, all of the sudden the Relief Society president was right beside me. We talked, and as we did so I put my keys back in my purse. I just had the feeling I needed to stay. As I stayed I felt like every sentence was meant for me. Sentences like "We never have more value in the Lord's sight than when we are feeling completely worthless" by Bruce C. Hafen or "You are a daughter of God first and a ... [child life intern for me] second" or "we choose to deny the sacred opportunity of growing closer to God when we act forsaken." They were all beautiful lessons. At the end of Relief Society, the president gave the best comment I had heard yet (her comments are my favorite). She referenced 3 Nephi 17:17 and said that Christ is praying for each and every one of us. At that point I felt the spirit so strongly, and I knew that statement was true.
I felt the truth of that statement as I went throughout the week. Tuesday night I had the worst scare. Vivien hadn't been doing well, so I took her to the vet. They said that I needed to go to an emergency clinic. I went over there and waited for hours. When the vet finally saw me she said it could be just irritated gums or it could be that she got into something like rat poisoning and was bleeding out, but it would be $400 for them to find out. I left that vet without getting the blood test, a feeling of guilt that if anything had happened to Vivi I would never have been able to get rid of, and a weight that I felt like I could not bear. I got into my car and broke. I did not understand how for the past couple of days I had felt so close to Christ and now this was happening. Why? What was going to happen to Vivi? What would I do without her? I started praying. I needed help. I needed strength to get through my internship and not only get through it but feel competent in it. I needed Vivien to be okay. I needed His help. That night I held Vivi close, and continued to pray. I had been reading in the New Testament about all of the miracles Christ performed, and I asked that one of those miracles could be for my puppy.
I cried a lot of the night and woke up at every one of Vivien's moves, but when I woke up I felt a sense of peace. I felt comfort. I truly felt that someone from the other side was there to let me know that He heard my prayers. The next couple of days Vivi got better. She also started licking my feet like all of the time, something that reminded me of Fenway. I like to think that Fenway came to comfort the both of us. He was always my best boy, my protector. It's easy to believe he would be there for me now too. Thank goodness I have Heavenly Father and my best boy to get me through because I need my baby girl.
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